


No Alarms and No Surprises

by WitchStuff



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-11
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-02-20 19:14:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 29,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2439782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WitchStuff/pseuds/WitchStuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn never told her he loves her outside the chippy, and the Friends Zone closed in on them with the slam of a prison door. Now it’s four years later and things are changing whether he likes it or not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my lovely friend Ofra for beta reading and very important feedback that had made these first chapters ten times better.

There were many moments in which he could have told her along the way. He’d let them all go. Wasted. He could have told her at the very beginning, when she broke his heart in the cupboard, or at his nan's funeral, when she found him crying behind the trees and held his hand, or after she stood up in front of an entire wedding party and told them all the truth about herself, but he had been struck by how brave and lovely she was, plus the fact that she had basically looked straight at Archie and confessed that she’s been fantasizing about him… so Finn did nothing. And The Friends Zone closed in on them with the slam of a prison door. 

+++

It would have been perfect to tell her on her last night before going to Uni, when they spent the entire evening walking around town, talking and being sentimental, trying to prepare themselves to be apart from each other for the first time in three years. They were standing on the bridge, looking down the River Welland rushing by, Rae leaned over to look further down, and her hair seemed to be taking flight. Finn’s fingers reached, of their own accord, to touch the ends of it, but then she turned to him and he shoved his hand inside his pocket instead. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears. 

“Shit,” he said. “I was gonna cry.”

Rae shook her head and wiped her eyes. “Well, you can’t, you know the deal. Only one of us is allowed to fall apart at any given moment.”

“Yeah, tha’s the deal.” It only took a small gesture of invitation from him to have her tuck herself into his side in a hug. “Wha’ you crying for, silly girl?”

“Just can’t believe I’m finally out of here, and already I want to be back.”

“Just wait, you’ll get to London and you’ll forget all about us little people.” He always said these things jokingly, but inside he was terrified that it’ll go exactly like that. She’ll go and be brilliant in a place where they appreciate brilliant people like her, and he’ll be just a boy she knew once, who isn’t all that brilliant, who doesn’t really do anything much or knows where he’s going. 

“Hey, so, I got this for ya.” She said, pulling something from her coat pocket and dangling it in front of him.

“What’s this? We didn’t say we’re doing presents.”

Rae shrugged, still attached to his side, then nudged him teasingly. “Guess I’m a better friend than you, ey?”

Reluctantly, he let go of her so he could unwrap the crappy wrapper and silly bow. Inside he found a pack of a dozen cheap plastic cigarette lighters with naked ladies drawn on them. He barked a laugh. “You nutter!”

“That way when you lose them every fucking where, you’ll always have a spare.”

He looked up at her, his eyes were probably a little shiny. “I liked it better when you were the one always finding them for me.”

Rae’s eyes left his, she looked down. “Well… now we need a plan B.”

He looked at the naked ladies again, then hugged her to him hard. “Thanks, Rae. I’ll take care of them as if they were my babies.”

“Yeah… you’ll lose them all within two months.” She joked, and he protested, and they both laughed even though it wasn’t that funny. The whole moment felt unstable and desperate. Then Rae sighed, “Finn…?”, and her voice shuddered on that one syllable. Finn didn’t know why, but his heart, already beating fast, began to really pound then.

“Yeah?” 

But she didn’t continue, and she moved out of his embrace and grabbed the banister with both hands, turning her face from him. 

“Rae?”

“What if I told ya…” Her voice died down, then she took a deep breath and tried again. “What if I– what would you say if I told ya…”

Finn wasn’t even breathing. He just stood there like a complete knob until she finally turned, her face flushed, and she shook her head and laughed a little. “If I told you I plan on calling you in all hours of the day and night, whenever the mood strikes me. Like, if I’m in a swanky London club and it’s 3AM and they’re playing our song, I’m calling you and I don’t even care.”

 

He played that moment in his head over and over, for months after that. How he froze, half way between amazingly relieved and excruciatingly disappointed, knowing full well that she’d bottled it and didn’t say what was really on her mind, that he only had to prod a little bit, to ask her one time, and she’d tell him the thing she didn’t say. He remembers vividly letting the moment go. Remembers how she looked on that bridge, with the wind lifting her hair and waving it about. His eyes focused on her smiling lips, he took a step closer with a surge of intention he couldn’t name… and the thoughts came rushing - this is stupid, she's leaving in the morning, what was the point. He kissed her cheek, and spent the following three weeks trying not to throw himself off that bridge. 

+++

And there were a million other, less perfect but totally legitimate moments that had gone past since the 20p all those years ago, where he could have turned to his best mate, the person closest to him in the world, and tell her what’s really on his mind. 

She was the one whose opinion mattered the most, the person he told all his secrets to. He could tell her anything. But he couldn’t tell her this. Once they’d become mates, he couldn’t see his way out. They went on like that, day after day, year after year, until what they had was this relationship, this... best–mate–dom, where he was spending all his energy keeping her from knowing. And after a while it just becomes what they do, what they are. She has Chloe and Archie and he has Chop, but it’s nothing like what they are to each other. They pride themselves on telling each other everything – every small insignificant thing and every big painful secret. Almost.

He always tells her about the girls he's dating, looking in her eyes, looking to see if it bothers her to hear. He knows Rae thinks he's good looking, she says it more than enough times (albeit while taking the piss, or in an off-hand kind of way, like – ‘course that girl will go for ya, how could she resist the fittest lad in all of Lincolnshire and the surrounding districts?), but that's just what mates do, and fuck that. 

So he goes into detail about his dates, what they did, what made this one special. And Rae rolls her eyes and says – yeah, yeah, they're all special. When she meets them, if it ever goes that far, she's the kindest, nicest person to them, and he watches her befriending the girls when deep down he's hoping she'll throw a wobbler. From time to time comes along a girl that Rae thinks is a twat, or kinda dumb, or likes the wrong music, and then she's snobbish and bitchy to her, and him and her have an argument about it, and secretly he loves that, he imagines that she's sick with jealousy, can't sleep and can't think of him with any other girl but her. 

Sometimes he fancies that she really does feel that way about him, but she's just as good an actress as he is and covers her true feelings. When he shares his sex life with her, she reacts the way he would, if she ever told him anything about her sex life. Which she doesn't. They can talk about her insecurities and how she feels like no one will ever love her, and he can reassure her that it’s bullshit and she’s beautiful, and they can talk about how she doesn’t believe him. And when he tells her she’s attractive she says – all evidence to the contrary – and they can go back and forth about that for hours, but they never talk about any real experiences she’s having. 

He knows she goes on dates, very sparsely, like, once in a blue moon, and nothing much happens when she does. And he's sad for her because she's sad, but he's glad for himself because he's a petty little fucker.

He doesn't get why on earth she would not have dates. Doesn’t know if it's because no one is asking her, or because she turns them down for some reason. With all their mutual soul searching, they never go into that. Finn knows that Rae is considered "a big girl", and she has a way about her, kinda loud and boisterous, and some guys don't like that. So he kinda gets it but he doesn't get it, ‘cause, yeah, she's big, some people might call her fat (they just better not do it within his earshot), but can't they see that she's also, just... incredible? He thinks she's gorgeous. The funniest, most interesting, fucking sexiest person he knows. Sometimes he doesn't know how he got so lucky as to have her in his life, but sometimes he feels like fucking Job, cursed with this relationship, this fucking friendship with a girl that is perfect for him in every way, except that he's a coward and he never told her, and she hates herself so she doesn't even notice.

+++

And he can't say anything now, it's too late, it's way past late. It's been more than three years and she's told him very intimate details about herself and all her little fears, and he's so proud that he's the one she tells, he's the keeper of all her shit. All her insecurities about herself and how she hates her body, the way she used to hurt herself when she was younger – she’s doing so much better, and he’s a part of what changed for her. All that hurt was before she’d met him, he reminds himself some nights when she's in a bad way and he can't sleep with worry over her. He has to believe that their friendship made a difference, that having him and the rest of the gang in her life, constantly telling her in different ways how much she's wanted and important – made her stronger, less sad, less likely to hurt herself if shit goes bad. She can come talk to him in the middle of the fucking night if she needs, and she knows that, and he has to believe that makes a difference. What makes that possible is trust, they have _trust_.

So he can't very well turn around and tell her that there was something else going on all these years, can he. That every time she'd climbed into his bed to cry on his shoulder, half of him was with her, while the other half was busy trying to conceal her effect on him. Forever aware that he can’t change things, Finn’s just watching his life unfold next to hers, completely miserable and completely happy at the same time. The moments come, and he lets them go.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The gang all go to meet them at the station, with balloons and a Welcome Home banner. “You're not half going overboard,” Finn tells Izzy when he sees the banner, but inwardly he is jumping up and down and clapping his hands like a bloody cheerleader when the train pulls into the station._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my lovely friend Ofra for beta reading and very important feedback that had made these first chapters ten times better.

She goes to study in London, he stays at home and changes his job at the DIY Center from part time to full. They talk on the phone and write letters, then emails (fucking amazing invention), they tell each other how much they miss one another. 

"What have you been up to?" Rae's phone voice is high pitched and very quiet, ‘cause she's talking from the public phone in the dorm room hallway (she tells him all the girls think that he's her boyfriend, and Finn's heart does summersaults). 

"Fuck all to do around here without ya. You?"

"Nothing much."

He laughs, "Yeah, pull the other one."

"I'm telling you, I'm lonely as fuck."

"You have Archie."

"'S not the same. I think you’ve ruined me, Finley. I can’t enjoy new things without ya." She sighs. Finn sighs. You could have believed they were lovers from the way they carry on. From the way his fingers curl around the phone cord, from the intensity of the silence. "When are you coming home," Finn moans.

Another sigh, a wonderful little sound, "God, not until Christmas."

His forehead touches the wall. "Can't you come back sooner? For a weekend, like?"

But she always has to study, and he always has to work the weekend shifts, so all their talk about going to see each other "like, all the time" back when they were getting ready for her to leave, just doesn't stand the test of actual life. 

 

When Christmas break finally comes, the gang all go to meet them at the station, with balloons and a Welcome Home banner. “You're not half going overboard,” Finn tells Izzy when he sees the banner, but inwardly he is jumping up and down and clapping his hands like a bloody cheerleader when the train pulls into the station. When Rae and Archie get off the car there's a collective drawing of breathe from the gang and a squeak from Izzy. Finn takes an unconscious step backwards.

Because Archie looks the way he always had, but Rae doesn't look like Rae anymore. She's done... something. And she's wearing... something. Her hair is shorter for fuck's sake, that's not even legal as far as he's concerned, but that's not even it, the change is bigger and much scarier than that and he's not sure what's going on – and then Chloe gushes at her – 

"Oh – my - god, Rae! You're like, half the size!"

The girls rush her with excitement, Chop whoops and practically jumps into Archie’s arms, and everyone is talking all at once. Finn stands there, gob smacked, really wanting to flee, while Rae rolls her eyes and blushes at the attention. "Please, it's only one and a half stones or so."

 

"No way," Chloe says wisely, "You lost three sizes, easy!"

"I didn't, Chloe, so just shut up about it." Rae's smile is faltering while she hugs Izzy and is subjected to the scrutiny of Chop, who goes around to check her from behind, earning an irate, "Oi, you!"

Chloe shrugs, a little hurt. "I was just saying. I was giving you a complement."

"Well, thank you, babes, but that's enough now."

Chloe rolls her eyes but Rae doesn't notice, ‘cause she finally, _finally_ , turns to him. It's like he stood there, patiently, waiting his turn, but now he doesn't even know what to do with her. 

She licks her lips nervously, and then she pouts at him. "What, no hug?”

Finn closes the remaining gap between them on shaky legs and folds himself into her hug, which is one of his favorite things in the universe. But fuck, it feels all wrong, there’s not enough of her or something, it doesn't feel like her body and Finn panics and almost pulls away. But then he feels her breath on his ear, "Alright, assface?"

And he's smiling into her neck and she feels like his Rae again. "Alright, dickhead."

He hugs her closer and she laughs, "For a minute there I was worried that you don't want a hug and I thought – where's my Finn, ‘cause this isn't him."

When she says things like that it makes him weak in the knees. "Yeah, well, maybe I implemented a No Hugs policy in the past minute." He mumbles and she pulls back, surprised.

"You remember that?" 

They look at each other. "'Course."

"Well, that's beautiful, a beautiful heartfelt reunion, but I could murder a pint." Archie says and it's like they remember they're not alone. 

Except Finn's not ready to step away because he's looking at her face, her slightly new face, and she's still, just, so lovely. Archie has to physically pry him away from her and he's sulking in the back of the group as they head out to the pub. Chloe finally turns to him and laughs, "Oh, would you pick your face off the floor, Finn? You know you're gonna bogart Rae the whole time she's in town anyway, so let us have a go before you whisk her away." And that does cheer him up a bit. 

Rae sends him a gorgeous smile over her shoulder (and it's a sight to be seen, with the shoulder–length hair flying) and then hugs Izzy and Chloe on her two sides. "God, I missed you, wankers! And how much you all looooooveee mmeee!" she sings and they all laugh, and Finn remembers that fuck, yes, that's how they are when she's here.

They are The Gang again, walking around the streets of Stamford like they fucking own them, a line of hugging, excited, talking people, and it's bloody magic. Finn pulls Archie to him and messes with his hair, and asks how's it going and then whoops when Archie blushes from head to toe and says, "Well, I'm dating someone." Finn wants to ask a thousand questions, like what's he like, and who made the first move, and are they serious, and did they do the nasty yet, and some of them he actually asks, and makes Archie blush even more and tell him to please piss off. From the head of the magical line of mates, Rae's voice carries over, "His name is Billy and Archie thinks he's preeeetttyyy!" she informs the whole of Stamford, and that makes the line reshape into a ball of people huddling around Archie. 

"Ohooo… are you in love, Archie?" Izzy chirps.

"Are you in love with a pretty boy, ey?" Chop digs in. 

"He is, he is in love with a pretty boy!" Rae confirms, ignoring the daggers Archie is sending her with his eyes.

"He's not pretty!" he says, then mumbles, "He's manly and gruff."

And the whole gang erupts in ear-piercing combinations of gleeful sounds. Archie looks at Finn, "Thanks a lot, mate."

"What?" Finn laughs until he can't breathe but he doesn't miss Rae's palm slipping into his own. "I only wanted to know more about your exciting news!" 

And Archie is sulk-grinning the rest of the way, and Rae never lets go of Finn's hand, and he's happy, and everything is as it should be. 

The gang walk into The Swan like conquering heroes returning from battle, sit around, still high on being with each other again. She moves her chair closer to his, and it's like she’s never left, all the old familiar sensations are right there. She laughs and Finn feels a nice tingle down his back, she reaches across him for her pint when Chop and Izzy carry their orders to the table, and Finn's breath is caught in his throat. His entire body is coiled with tension, ready for anything - the lightest flitting touch, a whiff of the sweet smell of her, the way she smiles at him sometimes.

The worst, and the best, is the moment her finger is suddenly touching his leg under the table, spelling letters he can barely concentrate on, when every part of him is on fire. This can get embarrassing real fast, he knows from past experience. If they start this up again, he may need to excuse himself for a quick humiliating release in a bathroom stall. And yet he wants it, every second of it, every letter she writes. He gets his head back in the game, feeling her spelling M I S S E D M E ?

His mind is reeling with the realization that she doesn't notice, still doesn't. While he sits there, almost gagging for her, she can still ask him that. 

His arm stretches towards her under the table, to write YES YES YES I HAVE MISSED YOU SO FUCKING MUCH - 

His shaky finger spells M E H.

Her face turns to him then, with her cheeky smile and those big eyes. "Dickhead," she says, with the same tender emotion someone else might say "Darling".

+++

Before they’re even close to making the most of this reunion, Finn has to reluctantly leave them. He’s got the morning shift on the last day before the holiday, and he can’t be late or hungover. His mood is somewhat spoiled by that, work seems like such a stupid thing to waste his short time with his mates on. As he grumbles his goodbyes and gathers his scattered things, he’s aware of Rae's eyes following him. She gets up after him, goes with him to the door.

"We hardly talked," she says, handing him his house keys, which he left behind on the table. "Can we do something tomorrow, just us?"

"Sure." _Just Us_ sound to him like the best words in the English language right now. "I have to work until three, but meet me after?"

Rea nods and then hugs him, almost like a sudden impulse. "I have missed you quite a bit, you twat." she sighs in his ear. Finn feels shivers run down his body, all blood is migrating south.

"I did, too ,yeah." He finally confesses, but it doesn't come easy for some reason. His fingers reach for the ends of her hair automatically, only to find nothing there. It's shorter now, he reminds himself, and suddenly the changes are too much to take. He quickly says goodbye and walks home, the wind is his face and his mind on the following day, just the two of them. That's when they have the best time, and they will again tomorrow. She is still Rae, after all, a new do and a wardrobe change doesn’t mean anything, really. 

 

And it's true, because they meet up and go for a walk down High street, and it's just like old times. They joke and argue, talk about music and their families. She tells him about a website she's found that has music files on it that you can download to your computer, and fucking burn CDs or do whatever you want. They talk about that in excited voices for forty five minutes. She tells him about the first day at Uni, and how messed up she felt (some of this he read about in her emails, but he gladly listens again), and how everything there surprised her for the best. "It was nothing like College." She concludes, and that means everything because they both hated it there. He wants to share as well, but there's nothing really interesting to say about his life. Work stories would send even him to sleep, so he can't subject Rae to any of that. So when she asks what about him, he grabs her hand and pulls her into the Virgin Megastore, and that changes the subject pretty well.

They are running up and down the aisles, showing each other things, trying to catch up. Seemed they both sort of went in different directions musically while apart, and now there was so much to show and tell. The CD's pile up and so do the smiles and the sniggering. Eventually they have to stop and take stock. Finn lifts a CD up - Yes? No? Rae scrunches her nose, considering, then she shakes her head, and the album goes to the rejected pile. Her fingers are still going through cases, but it’s in an absent-minded way. “So, hmm, you didn’t say anything about… my hair.”

“’S nice.” Finn doesn’t lift his eyes from ‘The Hour of Bewilderbeast’. “I liked it long.”

And it takes Rae a second to say, “Well, now it’s short.”

“Yeah, it’s nice, I’ve said.”

When she doesn’t answer right away he thinks he’s off the hook. He shows her the Badly Drawn Boy, but she only glances at it, then back to her questing fingers. “You don’t like it.”

Oh, shit. “That’s not… look, it’s different, all right? Takes getting used to.”

“Everyone else think it’s pretty. People say, that… I look nice.”

“You always look nice, Rae.” That’s his patented response. 

Hers is to huff at this, maybe roll her eyes at him, but it doesn’t go like that today. “Fine, well, I lost some weight and I feel really good about it.”

“Great, then what do you care what I say?”

“I don’t!”

“Well, no problems then, yeah?”

They stand side by side for a few seconds in tense silence, both staring at CD cases they’re not really seeing. Eventually she shrugs, mumbles, “Well, I like it. You know how nice it is to go into a shop and almost always find something that fits? Well, yeah, of course you do.”

“That’s amazing, Rae, I mean it. I’m not saying you shouldn’t… donno,” He huffs, struggling as ever to be coherent, “I just, I liked… Look,” he puts the CD’s down, and turns to her, taking her hand, stilling her nervous fingers. “You don’t need to change or nothing. Just, be Rae.”

She pulls her hand away. “I am Rae! I’m a better Rae.” She takes the stack of approved albums (there are only three in it, they didn’t get far with the sorting), and walks down the aisle, Finn in tow. “Would you rather I’d be the same fat and lonely Rae who hates herself?” She whispers at him, but it feels like a shout.

“Jesus, Rae, stop, that’s not what you are –“

“Or maybe it’s nice, because it makes your life look better in comparison.” She says, and puts the CDs down on the counter emphatically. He stares at her.

“Wha’s that supposed to mean?”

“Ring those up?” The clerk asks, taking the stack from her. She nods, distracted.

“Rae?”

“Nothing… I don’t know.” She shakes her head, and takes a small step towards him. “Just forget it, babes, I don’t want to fight.”

“Me neither.”

Her fingers touch his, faintly, sensations zinging through his body, she laughs but doesn’t lift her eyes from their hands. “It’s daft. I’ll probably put it all back on in a couple of weeks, anyways.” It’s not much of a joke and they know it. Even so, they both hold on to it for dear life and try to move on. He kisses her cheek and tells her, “You’re always beautiful.” And she says, “Oh, yeah, totally.” “Cash or credit?” says the clerk.

 

+++

 

It takes the gang ten days to get over losing Rae and Archie again when they go back to London. It takes Finn longer, or maybe he never gets over it. But he keeps calm and carries on. They had a bit of a row and then they were fine again. 

Except that once things start to change, they keep changing. A body in motion and all that. Changing her look is just a harbinger, he finds, and the worst is yet to come.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _They really never talked about these things, but she was away and it wasn’t like before, where he knew every boy that sniffed around her, so he had to ask._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my lovely friend Ofra for beta reading and very important feedback that had made these first chapters ten times better.

In all her phone calls and letters, Rae never talks about dating and never much mentions other guys other than Archie. Finn asked her once, when she’d been away for two weeks, if there’s anyone interesting around. She got all quiet (they really never talked about these things, but she was away and it wasn’t like before, where he knew every boy that sniffed around her, so he had to ask) and said no. Then she’d asked about him, does he have someone in his sights, and he had to tell her that yes, he’s started going out with this lass he met at the park. This conversation was so wildly uncomfortable, that he lost all appetite he once had for rubbing his dates in her face. So after that he never asked about her and she never did about him, and it was much better for his mental health anyway. 

But then, as her first year in Uni is coming to a close, she starts mentioning a name, a “Chris”. Every few letters he reads about how they went to this lecture on fractals (whatever the fuck that was, she tried to explain but lost him and he just skipped a paragraph), or visited this cool art show at the Tate Modern about light fixtures (she enclosed the program and he looked through it and he didn’t get it, but Rae gushed about it for three quarters of a page), Finn thinks on how she somehow managed to learn to enjoy new things without him, and he scans the letters to get passed the descriptions of exhibits, to the part about this Chris, who the fuck is this Chris now, what does he mean by taking his Rae to art shows.

 

She comes for a visit one weekend for her baby sister’s birthday, and they’re all meeting at the pub, and before the rest of the gang gets there, it’s just him and her and Archie, sharing a plate of chips. Finn is in heaven because she’s sitting right there, her side is touching his side, and he can talk to her, and watch her roll her eyes at every little thing he says, like he loves. He takes stock of the changes in her, how she’s different from the last time he saw her. Her hair is growing back, thank fuck, and he got used to the slight weight lost, and pleased that she’s not still doing that. She’s wearing this sort of girly, lacy top, that she never would have worn a few years ago, but she does now and she looks fucking amazing, but when did she ever not. 

"Tell Finn about the course." Archie says suddenly, and Finn catches Rae giving the lad a warning look.

"Yeah, Rae, tell Finn about the course," he says, reaching for the chips.

“‘S no big deal, it’s just something I started lately…”

She tries to sound casual when she tells him about this Graphic Design program she’d started. She only goes once a week after classes, just to pass the time, like. Finn looks at Archie who is smiling slyly into his beer and he hates that they have this whole life away from him, with friends and experiences and secrets he’s not privy to (but as always, he’s really thankful that she had a mate to go with her to the big bad city, and he sleeps better at night knowing that Archie’s there to take care of her). Anyway, Rae continues, she kinda likes it, feels like she’s maybe good at it, whatever, it’s totally not a big deal, and Finn can tell that it is a fucking huge deal. She’s well into it, and when he asks what does it actually mean and she starts explaining and her face light up like a fucking Christmas tree, he kinda wants her to never stop talking about it.

“I can see you being good at that,” he tells her. “The way you always scribble and draw shit in every blank corner of a page. Like, you should see her letters, mate, more doodles than words sometimes.” She’s blushing and tells him to shut up, but yeah, she’s well chuffed.

“That’s what we told her. She’d love it, she’s really into typography.”

Finn stares at Archie, then at Rae who rolls her eyes. “Apparently, all that scribbling I do of letters and words in all kinds of shapes, yeah?”

“Yeah?”

“Apparently that’s ‘typography’ according to Chris,” She clears her throat and reaches for her pint, laughing nervously. “It’s always like that with them two,” she gestures to Archie with her pint. “Like, it couldn’t just be doodles, it has to be some fancy thing.”

“Well, that’s what it’s called.” Archie tells her.

Guess this Chris guy is still around, not going anywhere. Not just taking her to art shows but actually changing her life. How far has this gone, though? Is she sharing music with this guy? Does she turn to him when she needs a shoulder to cry on? “So you and Chris are hanging around a lot lately, ey?” he says casually.

To his horror, and to Archie’s delight, Rae is fucking blushing. “Yeah,” she shrugs, “We’re friends.”

“Oh my god, Rae,” Archie laughs, “Would you give off? Just say he’s your boyfriend!”

She chucks a fist full of chips at him, still blushing furiously. “Shut up, Arch, no he’s not.”

“All I’m saying is, if he were my boyfriend I wouldn’t want to hide him, I’d march him up and down High Street –“

“He’s not my boyfriend, though!” she protests, but she’s laughing and her face is heated, and she never made eye contact with Finn during the whole exchange.

Of course this had to happen one day, someone was bound to notice Rae and actually go for it, but that doesn’t help Finn, because he’s not ready to be rational and even-minded about this. His fingers tremble on his tobacco pack, working their automatic routine. He can’t believe he’s still this petty and childish, but here it is, nothing really changed since that rave they went to a billion years ago, where Archie got to kiss Rae for the second time. It’s the same feeling of bile rising in the back of his throat, that ugliest of all emotions – Jealousy. Fucking Chris with his art and his broadening of Rae’s horizons and god knows what else. Was he the one responsible for the changes? Did she lose weight for this wanker? He wishes Archie would stop teasing her because he can’t stand seeing her blushing and squirming in her seat, and saying god, we’re just mates, would you let it go?

He can’t sleep that night. Because he knows about ‘just being mates’. And he knows not everyone will be content to just sit around like he does, and wait for some kind of divine intervention to make something happen with Rae, to change the situation. Even if this Chris is really her mate right now, he’s just biding his time until he can make a move. That artsy-fartsy, scarf-wearing, eagheaded, posh Uni bastard.

 

Next holiday, she brings Chris with her. She introduces the fucker to her mother and to Karim, then brings him over to the pub, where everyone can pass judgment on him. He is tall as a fucking poll, and infuriatingly doesn’t wear a scarf at all. In fact, he looks nothing like Finn had pictured in his mind. He’s not a stuffy posh arsehole, instead he’s fucking Grunge. His hair is long, he wears ugly torn jeans and a Soundgarden T-shirt, he actually looks like a dopey, frumpy Chris Cornell. Well, fuck. Chloe and Izzy’s voices reach new heights in the excitement, and Chop slaps the guy on the back, all friendly like, telling him he hopes he’s talking care of our little Raemundo.

“Raemundo?” Chris turns to Rae, laughing. “What’s that about?”

“A nickname you need not remember.” She answers, and gets another laugh.

“Duly noted.” He says. Finn hates him so fucking much.

“Finn, good,” she calls out to him as he approaches the table and takes his hand (no ‘hi’, no hug), “Here, I want you to meet Chris.”

“Hey there,” the guy beams at him and stretches a hand to shake. “Heard so much about you.”

“Yeah, same.”

He knows he’s being rude, sitting there not saying a word, just drinking and rolling cigarette after cigarette. But he has nothing to say to this bloke, this “boyfriend”, and the way everyone else is looking at him like he’s the Second Coming feels like the deepest betrayal. He ignores the quick looks Rae gives him from time to time, knows she’s trying to judge his reaction. His black mood does not allow him to be generous, however, and when she gives him a small smile he doesn’t smile back. “Hey, broodington, what crawled up your arse?” She jokes, and Finn only looks at her through his eyelashes and shrugs.

She turns to Chris, who’s answering Chloe’s many questions, a tinge of desperation colors her words as she suggests, “Chris, tell Finn about the radio station.”

"Oh, yeah, it’s pretty cool," Chris turns their way, moving a strand of long dark hair behind his ear, in an infuriatingly manly way. "Just got this gig at the campus radio station, editing one of the late-night slots."

"He gets to pick the music every night, isn’t that amazing?" Rae gushes, her eyes on him, and if she thinks she’s got an Ace up her sleeve, something he’s bound to be impressed with, than she’s wrong, because he isn’t planning on being impressed with this guy even if they tell him he’s in charge of the set list for The Rolling Stones European tour.

"That’s amazing, mate." He drawls. "What will you put on once you go through all the U2 records?"

"Finn!" Rae’s face register her shock at the harshness of the insult. Chris looks confused, then he relaxes and smirks, one hand placed lightly on the back of Rae’s chair, the other goes for his beer. "Naa, none of that crap on my slots. I got some tricks up my sleeve, might surprise you if you have a listen." The grungy motherfucker takes a slow swig and locks eyes with Finn. "Though, do they get Blast Radio all the way in the back storage at the DIY Center?"

Finn doesn’t break the eye contact, manages a snarky smile. Yeah, he’s dead cool, him. Nothing can touch him. So confident about his life choices that you can’t throw them back in his face. At least he hopes that’s what his smile conveys, ‘cause fuck knows he got no clever come back. And a few seconds later Chris turns towards the others and join is their conversation. Rae’s eyes are downcast, there’s a slight blush coloring her neck. She sits inside her boyfriend’s casual embrace and says nothing. Finn goes to the toilet, just to get away.

He stands outside the bathroom door, trying to relax, but it’s useless. He’s not cool, not even remotely. On the contrary - he is burning up. Can’t believe she let Chris say that. Can’t believe that’s what she told him. That Finn is just some loser, wasting his life away moving boxes around. Can not believe that’s what she thinks of him. He shakes his head, knows he has to pull his shit together, get over this and just go back to the table. Might even have to say some things. Otherwise this Soundgardenlookingtosser wins.

 

He makes his way back to the group slowly, taking in the scene. That outsider takes his place by her side and everyone just goes along with it, they sure are laughing at his jokes. And Rae’s eyes are sparkling as she leans into Chris, and he’s got an arm across her lap, his hand on her thigh, all the while talking to Chop. He touches her casually, naturally. There’s no doubt, they are together. They have an intimacy that is not new and not hesitant. And then he sees it, and a shock goes through him. He realizes something that he completely missed when he first entered the pub. With all his focus on the new guy, Finn didn’t see that underneath her purple dress, Rae is not wearing leggings or tights. Her skin is bare. Never, outside of his elaborate fantasies about her, had she ever gone without something covering her legs. There was always, always, fabric between them. And now, this guy, this guy is, his hands are all over Rae and he knows what her thighs feel like, probably knows much more.

There’s a ringing in Finn’s ears and the three pints he’s downed so far are traveling back up. This is more than he can be expected to bare, and yet his eyes can’t let go of the place where those strange fingers move, ever so slightly, against the smooth, pale skin at the edge of her dress. He turns back around towards the toilets and the back door and he’s out.

Cold air hits his face like a blessing. He kicks the wall outside and rubs at his temples to ease the pressure building there. The way home seems endless, but he wants to be away from there more than anything. “Duly noted,” He says to the pavement in disgust. “Duly fucking noted, mate.”

TBC…


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Every word she says cuts him like a knife and he still hasn’t looked at her. He hates that he’s disappointing her but she doesn’t understand what he’s dealing with here. Her voice is hesitant when she asks, “Do you not like Chris?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to madfatty for being a patient and awesome beta reader and advice giver.

She comes to his house early the next morning, at an ungodly hour for a Sunday. He’s still blurry eyed when she follows him into the kitchen and he starts making coffee. His head is still pounding from last night’s drinking, and he knows what’s coming and he’s not in the mood.

“Where’d you fuck off to last night?”

“Just had to go.”

“Where?”

“Somewhere, okay?”

“No, it’s not okay, Finn. It was important to me to have you be there.”

Well, not everything revolves around you, he wants to tell her, but that would be just too much of a lie. He’s standing with his back to her, waiting for the kettle to boil. But she comes to stand next to him, shoves her presence in his face.

“I wanted you to meet Chris, Finn. Everyone else made the effort to get to know this guy I’m seeing, but where was my best mate? Where was the person who should be the most glad to know that I have a boyfriend?”

Every word she says cuts him like a knife and he still hasn’t looked at her. He hates that he’s disappointing her but she doesn’t understand what he’s dealing with here. Her voice is hesitant when she asks, “Do you not like Chris?”

“Jesus fuck, Rae, I don’t know Chris, do I? I don’t give a shit about Chris, I don’t even want to hear the name Chris anymore, all right?”

The following silence is painful. He doesn’t need to lift his eyes to know that she’s almost crying. He hears it in her voice when she whispers, “Way to be supportive, mate.”

Well, fuck that. He turns in anger, “Why d’you need me to like him, anyway? You’re obviously going to do whatever you decide to do. I don’t need to bloody hear all about it -“

"You don’t need to hear about it?" She repeats, incredulous. Finn makes a tactical retreat to the other side of the kitchen, but she’s following, "You don’t need to hear about it?! Let me check here, this is still you and me, right?” She stands tall in front of him, in her classic Rae way, never giving an inch. "Because I had to sit there for four years, and listen to you go on about every girl in Lincolnshire, and what she said to you, and what she likes, and what she sounds like when she comes, and I was there for the whole thing, like a supportive friend, and not once have I told you that I think you’re a man whore, and you’re disgusting to me."

There’s a mug of coffee in his hand and it’s shaking and spilling on the floor. He doesn’t know how they got here. This is a nightmare.

His voice is high and cracked when he manages a weak, “Nice one, Rae. I’m a disgusting whore with no life, just a waste of space, right? You laugh about it with your minging boyfriend?”

She shakes her head, “I don’t even know what you’re on about now.”

"Well, have a think while I’ll go stack some boxes at the back of the DIY Center."

That got her. Points to Mr. Nelson, for managing to get Rachel Earl in an argument for once. She looks down at her Converse-clad feet. “He shouldn’t have said that.”

"Fuck what he should have done, I don’t give a toss about him. You should have said something, though." He points at her. "Way to be supportive, mate."

"Well, you shouldn’t have sat there all night with a face like a slapped arse. He was being dead nice to ya and you just sat there!”

A sound comes out of Finn’s mouth, a laugh or a snort or just something someone makes when he’s got nothing to yell back. “Whatever,” he mumbles and sits at the table, puts the mug down finally.

Rae stands and stares at him. After a few seconds, he stares back. Folds his arms across his chest, but fuck if he knows anymore what he’s being so defiant about.

Rae’s voice echoes in the kitchen. “What happened to you, Finn, to make you such a… such a bitter old man?”

His head shots up, “You did!”

“Me?” Points to Mr. Nelson again, as she is speechless for about four seconds. Four seconds of mercy before everything hits the fan.

Rae’s palms hit the kitchen table, like a cop in a TV show, interrogating a witness. “ _I_ turned you bitter and beat down, did I? How did I do that, Finn? By following you around like a puppy, going along with whatever you had in mind?”

“Is that what you think we’ve been doing?”

“I think it was bloody convenient for you to have a fat, unthreatening, mad girl about, who never asked anything of ya, just gave ya attention and support, and put her life on hold while you got on with yours.”

“ _Your_ life is on hold? You’re the one who went to bloody _London_ and started changing every good thing about yourself.” He shakes his head, and inside he is shaking. “And I never saw you as any of those things -“

"Yeah, sure, you always tell me I’m beautiful and special, and that things will happen for me one day. Well, they are happening now and you’re being a dick! Maybe you don’t really want me to get better. You just want me to be this fat sidekick, your comic relief, and you can tell me every little thought that comes to your head and I’m just there to listen and nod, say something funny every now and then, but I don’t get to have an actual plot in the Finn Nelson Show. Well bollocks to that!"

"You are insane." He doesn’t have her way with words.

"Whatever Finn. It’s become clear lately that this friendship isn’t a two-way street. Whether you like it or not, things are changing for me. And I like it, I think I’m better. I’m more confident and I accept myself more…" her voice fades and she stands, walks around a little. "He likes me, Finn, the way I am, in a way no one really has, so why is that bad?"

He just wants to put his head down and cry. Of course it’s not bad, he wants to tell her, it’s amazing all those things you’re doing. But it’s too much too fast, aren’t you scared? Aren’t you bricking it that things might fall apart? And in the back of his mind the terrible thought comes, unbidden - that Chris actually is good for her. That she’s been making amazing progress since she’d met him. That he gives her something that Finn never had. So where does that leave him, anyway? He’s not her lover, and now he’s not ever her best friend anymore.

He looks at her, how beautiful she is, wearing her old clothes, the rock-girl clothes he loves, and although they are a little too loose around her now, and although her hair is a little shorter now, she is still his 20p Girl, has been all this time. He knows it’s time to get up and do it. Say it. I’m the one who likes you the way you are, I’m the one -

And then she says, in a tiny, girly voice that sends a tingle down his body, “Finn, he… makes me feel… good.” Her eyes go up to meet his, hesitating. For a minute there, Finn is not breathing.

Then he’s up on his feet. “I’m done with this conversation now, Rae. I think you should go.”

Her eyes are big and lovely and cold, following him as he turns to leave the kitchen, basically showing her the door. “That’s how you wanna leave things between us?”

“Jesus, quit being so fucking dramatic.”

“Fuck you, it’s dramatic to me! For the first time ever I got – “

But he doesn’t want to hear what she’s been getting lately for the very first time. He just wants her to leave, to go, to not be there, his head is splitting in two, and he’s splitting in two - “Yeah, I get it, I know that he’s fucking ya, and I get that you’re all excited about finally becoming a woman or whatever the fuck, but don’t expect the rest of us to…” Jesus, he doesn’t know how to finish that horrid sentence because he can’t remember starting it.

 

“Well, shit,” The look on Rae’s face is something he won’t ever forget, and it cuts him to his core. Tears stream down her face freely. “You’re really showing your true colours, aren’t you?” she wipes her tears as she goes to the door, and she doesn’t even turn around when she says, “Doesn’t matter. I’m done with you anyway.”

Finn sits on the floor in the hallway and rubs at his aching temples. That’s how his father finds him an hour later.

 

+++

 

After that, there are ten whole weeks where he and Rae Earl are not in contact. She doesn’t answer his e-mails, she doesn’t take his phone calls. He leaves messages with her mum, who smiles at him in an understanding way but says there’s nothing she can do for him. He talks to Archie about it, to fucking Chloe about it, no one seems to be able to tell him what to do. “You really fucked up, what can I tell ya.” Chloe says to him with her new–found wisdom. “Should have been a better friend to her, the way she’s always been to you.”

“Thanks, Chlo.” He frowns at her.

“Oh, sure thing.” 

“That really helps a lot.”

“Glad to help.” And she smiles at him, Team Rae all the way.

They all give him advice wrapped in all kinds of metaphors he doesn’t understand. What should I do, Archie? “I don’t know, mate, get the thumb out of your arse?” And Chloe says – open your fucking eyes and take a good look at your life. Izzy breezes into the shop one day just to pick up some light bulbs for her dad, and has to sit there for forty minutes and listen to Finn moan about Rae not giving him the time of day. She pets his shoulder and smiles, “Well, now you know how it feels!” and he doesn’t know what everyone is talking about, but to be fair he doesn’t ask them to clarify and he forgets their words as soon as they say them, and every one of these conversations gives him a raging headache.

He feels abandoned. How can they all take her side on this? The girls are one thing, of course they’ll form a wall to protect her (and he’s kinda pleased about that, but where was his wall?), and Archie is practically living with Rae, so no joy there. But Chop should have been a bit more sympathetic to his pitiful state. Instead he seemed to be enjoying the whole situation, taking the piss when Finn is obviously heart sick.

Best mate though he is, Chop’s no help when one evening, four days into the Rae Freeze-Out, Chloe zooms into the pub and rushes to the table with a huge grin on her face, dragging Izzy to the bathroom for some emergency girl-talk. Finn just knows this is about Rae, and he doesn’t know whether to perk up or wilt. The girls take ages and when they come out they’re all giggly and annoying, and he asks Chloe what’s the deal, but she refuses to let him in on the delicious news. She says it’s none of his business. Finn tells her that anything to do with Rae is his business. Chloe makes a face and a huffing noise like she cannot believe what a wanker he is, and she closes the door on the argument by tossing her hair behind her shoulder and stating that if Rae had wanted him to know what’s been going on with her, she would have told him herself. So now it’s in his head that things are going on, huge things, potentially horrifying things, are going on without him knowing. But he lets it go because he knows that eventually Izzy will tell Chop and Chop will get pissed and tell him. “Another pint, mate?” he offers, magnanimously.

They drink heavily until Chloe says she’s dead on her feet and leaves. Izzy leaves soon after, and Finn feels it’s okay to talk about what he always wants to talk about. “Can’t believe Chlo won’t tell me wha’s going on,” he slurs. “Hate thish so much. She could be, like, deciding to go to A-Africa or… someplace and I don’t even know, or she could be cutting her hair short, like, real fucking short, mate.” He raises scared eyes to chop, only to see his mate sniggering like crazy.

"Tha’s not it, though," Chop giggles, fucking beside himself as he sing-songs ‘I know what Raemundo’s up to and you-u don’t!’ which gets him a drunk, blurry Finn threatening him with bodily harm if he doesn’t spill. 

No amount of alcohol in his system could prepare Finn or cushion the blow of hearing the words, “Our innocent little Raemundo isn’t so innocent anymore! Apparently, last night she finally let that Chris guy pop her cherry!”

The pint glass Finn is holding slams into the table. His eyes are wide and unfocused as he stares at Chop, who keeps chuckling and says (not very kindly or funnily at all), “Guess she got tired of waiting on ya.”

Finn has a migraine for two days after that. 

 

+++

 

His dad’s worried. He gives Finn space, because he can tell that it’s a broken heart situation, but then, when there are more and more days spent in bed with the curtains shut, fighting a migraine, his dad takes him to see a doctor. They do tests, scan his brain. His dad is fretting out of his mind but Finn is sort of numb about the whole thing. They find nothing. The doctor surmises that the headaches are stress-related. Finn and his dad look at each other, puzzled. Finn does nothing and goes nowhere. He has zero percent stress in his life.

After a short lecture on the subject of excessive drinking and smoking and their effects, even on a young man like him, the doctor hands them a card with a name written on it - a recommendation for a therapist. Finn is polite and courteous until they leave the doctor’s office, then he tells his dad he might consider cutting down on his vices, but that there’s no way he’s going to therapy.

"’Course you are!" says his dad, and his voice goes up at the end of the sentence in a comical way, but he’s not joking around.

"Dad, I don’t need that crap, I’m fine."

"How are you fine, spending days moping in your room nursing a headache?"

"That’s from drinking, I won’t drink so much. Anyway, I’m not going to pour my heart out to some poxy shrink - " he reads the card, "Dr. Joan Levine". 

"Oh, you’re going, son. ‘Cause you sure don’t pour your heart out to me." Says Nelson Sr. with a special voice he uses very rarely.

So that’s how Finn meets Dr. L.

 

In the beginning he goes twice a week (talk about over kill!). Sits with his arms folded and gives a lot of monosyllabic answers, lots of “dunno’s” and shrugging of shoulders. Unfortunately, Dr. L. is not the least bit discouraged by this. She keeps asking him questions even when he doesn’t answer, always collected, always patient, with her posh educated voice. She asks how he is today, what has he been up to, is he close to his father, how does he like his job at the DIY center, does he feel intellectually challenged there, does he have any friends there, did he like school, does he have any hobbies or interests he’d like to tell her about? What does he do when he leaves her office? Who are his friends? Who does he miss?

When you ask so many questions, eventually you’re bound to stumble onto the right one.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _And he knows he has to fix it. Just has to fix it. Has to make her listen, apologise to her. He should take some days off work and just fucking drive to London, stand outside her door. Maybe take fucking Chris Cornell for a beer or something, smooth things over. Throw him a bachelor party when they get married._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to @madfatty for being a patient and awesome beta reader and advice giver.

Not talking to Rae is like… well, it’s pretty much like being dead. No sounding-board, no one to express his thoughts to and get feedback from. He can’t hear her voice at the end of a bad day, so he can’t relax. He wakes up in the middle of the night, terrified because he doesn’t know yet what he wants to do with his life, and he can’t call her. Even though the gang all rallied around him in those few days when everyone thought he had a brain tumour, Rae never called, not even then, and he knows for a fact that Chop had told her.

There is always new, shiny music, he buys CDs like they’re going out of style, but finds there really isn’t much point to it, if he can’t share it with her. If the music is shit, who are you gonna warn to steer clear? And does it really matter that you’ve found something real and amazing, if you can’t pass it on to someone who will appreciate it? He’s so desperate he even called Archie at the dorms one time, to tell him about a CD of this Belgian band he bought on a whim because he liked the cover art, and ended up listening to it non-stop. He tells Archie because you can talk to Arch about music, but also because he thinks maybe Archie’ll tell Rae about it too. “Listen to ‘(For the) Roses’!” he repeats several times throughout the conversation, hoping the message is received. He imagines her listening to it every time he puts it on. 

All his bones are aching, fingertips itching. He just wants her there so he can touch her, hug her, scribble messages on her thigh. He gets off with a woman at the bar. She’s really cute but she’s 26 and they have nothing at all to talk about, so they just have tons of sex. But the she realizes that Finn’s not always charming. That he’s mostly moody and short-tempered, and she doesn’t like that at all. And who can blame her; he can hardly stand himself these days. When she chucks him he’s relieved, ‘cause now he doesn’t have to go places and be okay around people. Can just sit at home and obsess. His life stretches on in front of him like an empty desert. Nothing as far as the eye can see. Hard as he tries, he can’t imagine building anything there.

He doesn’t tell Dr. L. about that fear. Instead, more and more of the sessions are filled with the Rae situation. Because he just can’t hold it in anymore, and all his friends are sick of him by now. If this is his hour to talk about whatever is on his mind, he’s bloody going to talk about what’s on his mind. 

And he knows he has to fix it. Just has to fix it. Has to make her listen, apologise to her. He should take some days off work and just fucking drive to London, stand outside her door. Maybe take fucking Chris Cornell for a beer or something, smooth things over. Throw him a bachelor party when they get married. 

But he’s too scared of her. If he goes there, she’ll probably not open the door, or just slam it in his face. Or worse – she’ll say more things about him like she had that morning in the kitchen. Awful things he tries not to even think about. He calls Archie to gauge her mood and test this idea. Arch says he can’t take sides on this (though he obviously has already, and it wasn’t Finn’s), but that maybe going over there could work. “When I wanted to get back on Rae’s good side that time, remember, I sang outside her window and it did the trick.” Finn reminds him he doesn’t sing and is a crap guitar player. Archie says it doesn’t matter, it’s the thought that counts, that she’ll appreciate the effort. That makes Finn a bit angry, ‘cause she’s just as to blame for their fight, he feels. Does she even care that they had a falling out? Why isn’t she the one who has to make an effort? “Because you’re the one calling me at half past eleven at night to talk about this.” Archie says.

Somehow, he never gets around to taking those days off. Instead he waits impatiently for the last two weeks of the academic year to pass, because he knows she’ll come home then and will have to see him. He prays that she’s not planning on bring Chris with her (but he hears that she is), because he’d hoped they’d split up weeks ago (but they haven’t). Apparently they’re really serious, Chloe confides; Rae’s thinking of moving in with him next year.

Fucking moving in with him. Finn feels like a child, going nowhere. While she’s working on her adult life, all he does is meet girls and chat them up and get off with them, goes to work and sells bolts and drills, and comes back and listens to music and thinks about Rae Earl. 

He goes to see Dr. L. and sulks and picks at the tear at his jeans. He can, and has, spend hours like that in her office. She asks how he is and he mumbles and grumbles (it takes him five to ten minutes to get going with the talking). One time, she suddenly turns to the small table by her chair and picks something up, handing it to him. It’s one of his lighters, a round and saucy naked lady painted crudely on the side, and she says, “Here, you lost this.”

Finn grabs for it, puts it in his pocket. “Oh, thanks. I’m forever losing things.”

“Like what?” she asks. 

Gee, where to start. Lighters, wallets, mother figures, and recently, a Two-For-One of the love of his life and his will to live.

“Lighters, wallets..." he answers.

She waits thirty seconds to see if there’s more, than asks, "What else?"

"Dunno. Keys.” He moves around in the chair. “I know, I should be more responsible."

"Who says?"

"My dad always tells me that."

"He berates you for losing things?"

"Nah, it's not like that. My dad's cool."

"Alright." He thinks there's a note of doubt in her voice and it irritates him. He feels a need to defend his dad, ‘cause god knows it's not his dad's fault he's such a mess.

"He doesn't 'berate' me, just points out that I should pay more attention to things. ‘Cause it's important.”

“What’s important?”

“What?”

“What are some of the things you lose that are important?”

“Everything, I guess. Lighters don’t grow on Zippo trees." It’s his first ever attempt at humour in these sessions and it tastes bitter and stupid on his tongue. Worse, it doesn’t deter Dr. L. from her line of questioning.

"So things that cost money are important."

"Yes. No, well, no. We don’t care about that. Not that we're swimming in it or something, but it's not... look, it's not important in our house, material things, like."

In the following silence he realizes he's walked into some sort of trap, and this suspicion is confirmed when she asks: "So, have you ever lost something important?"

Finn says nothing.

"Do you think you're dad might be too hard on you, then? Saying you're irresponsible?”

“I didn't say he does! Just a feeling sometimes. But anyway, you can't go around caring and worrying about losing stuff all the time, ‘cause then you won't do nothing, ever."

"That’s very smart. However, I don’t know who could live like this. I don't know anyone who doesn't worry about something. Only psychopaths can not care like that.”

"Maybe that's what I am." He mumbles, and raises his eyes to her in surprise when he hears Dr. L actually chuckling.

"No, Finn, you're not a psychopath. Far from it. I've only known you for a short while, but I can see that you care about things very deeply. About people. You're family and friends.”

"You’re wrong." He shakes his head and to his great horror, tears are filling his eyes, "I’m a shitty friend. I was a shitty son, and a shitty grandson, shit to my friends, and all those girls I've been with, I’m such a big waste of space, that's why they all leave.” He stops abruptly, face burning with shame at the way he’s breaking, at the things coming out of his mouth.

"Who leaves, Finn?" She asks gently, and he sits up. 

A sudden wave of fear rolls in his guts, and he finds himself getting to his feet abruptly, holding his bag, asking her if he can go. She shows no surprise at all, when she tells him he can leave at any time he chooses, but that she wishes he wouldn't. 

"Yeah, well," Finn tells her on his way to the door, "Guess I’m a shit patient as well."

He walks home with his face hot and his throat aching from unshed tears. He feels raw and exposed, skinless. He doesn't understand how she did that, brought him to this state with just a few questions. He plays the conversation back in his head all the way home. It’s not until he’s on the front steps that he realizes that when Dr. L gave him back his lighter, she could have said "You left this here", or "You forgot this", but she'd said “You lost this” and steered the entire conversation into a path he wasn’t comfortable with. He feels outrage at the manipulation, and happily blames his upset on that, but deep down he knows that’s not the feeling that is twisting his guts. 

+++

 

He doesn’t go to meet Rae at the station on the Thursday when she comes back home, figures she needs space. Instead he’s there Friday morning, Linda answers the door in her dressing gown, looks at him blurry eyed and says, “You’re up at the crack of bleedin’ dawn, aren’t you? Rae’s barely up.” But Rae comes to the door and tells her mum it’s fine, she’ll handle this, and they exchange a look that is somehow more painful than her harshest words. It’s a look that says that Finn, who was once welcomed into this house like family, is now someone who might needs getting rid. 

Rae folds her arms across her chest and leans against the door frame. Finn is drinking in the sight of her. Looking up at her, helmet in hand, and the whole thing is familiar, as if they are repeating a scene they’ve played once before. He remembers vaguely how at the beginning he came over to ask her not to hate him. So yeah, basically the same scene. “Morning,” his voice breaks embarrassingly on the word. 

“Hi.” He can’t read her eyes, and that’s very alarming. Thinks maybe she’s upset, maybe she’s as glad to look at his face as he is to look at hers, but he doesn’t know if that’s not just his aching heart making it up. Maybe she didn’t miss him at all.

“Look, can we talk?”

“Not right now. I’ve only just woke up.”

“When, then?”

She looks away, “Later. I’ll let you know.”

“Come over to mine this evening?”

“Maybe,” she says and is already half closing the door. “I’ll let you know.”

_TBC_


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Tell me about the moment."_
> 
> _"What moment?"_
> 
> _"You know which one. The big one."_
> 
> _The worst one._

It’s like he’s on death row, awaiting a pardon, and she’s in her chambers, never really getting around to going through his appeal. It’s early and he’s got the whole day to fret about the verdict. 

Lucky he’s got therapy at ten. Turns out it’s a really good way to pass the time. It’s a good hour and a half to get there and back, and then he’s got dozens of new thoughts to process. The twice a week schedule, which he thought was mental in the beginning, is now a source of comfort to him. Rae closes the door in his face, but that’s okay, ‘cause he’s got therapy.

 

At Dr. Levin’s clinic it’s always nice and warm, the couch is always comfortable, and her eyes are always kind and business-like. Finn can rage in there like a caged lion, or sit quietly and say nothing much at all, and it’s completely fine. Today he’s anxious, pacing about. He was all prepared to talk to Rae, and now he’s got all this excess energy. 

“I don’t know what she’s thinking. She’s going to have to talk to me at some point.” He grumbles. “I mean, we’ll have to put all this shit behind us and move on.”

“What if she doesn’t want to move on?”

He snaps his head towards her. “How’d you mean?”

“I’m only raising a question - “

“It’s going to be fine, we’ll apologize and move on. Everything will return to normal.”

“What happens if it doesn’t?”

Finn shakes his head, as if he’s trying to dislodge an idea that’s stuck in there. “‘Course it will.”

“It might,” she nods, “I’m just asking. Worst case scenario. What happens if she can’t move on from this?”

Finn is standing in the middle of the room, staring at her. For a long time, there’s no sound except the distant noise of traffic from outside. There are many answers to this question. They all flood his mind one after the other, but none of them make it outside, and all of them say the same basic thing, so he just says that. “No.”

Dr. L. opens her palms in placating gesture. “Is there a possibility that you will have to give up on what you had with Rae,” She pushes. “Accept that you are both older now and that things are changing?”

“No.”

“Because?"

“Because… I dunno, I can't . Because, I need her. She's the one I turn to. She's... what I have.”

Another long stretch of silence. Then Dr. L crosses her legs, and Finn knows something's about to happen. 

"I want to try an exercise, Finn. Do you trust me?" He shrugs, and that's good enough for her. "Take a sit, please.” 

Finn drops his body on the white couch, he’s entire body coiled and tense. 

“I'll ask you a series of questions. They won't be simple, but please try to answer in short, one sentence answers, the first thing that comes to your mind."

"Like word association?"

"Something like that. It’s just a tool, it helps cut to the heart of the matter. Let's see where it takes us."

He considers bolting, but he's so tired of being wretched, and he's desperate for a way out. So he does as she says, closes his eyes and waits to see what she’s got planned. She talks for a few minutes, instructs him in a clear and calm voice to release the tension in the limbs, relax his face. Then she tells him to imagine a beautiful and peaceful place and a road that leads into woods, and for a long while that’s all that happens; he slouches on her couch and in his mind he’s in the woods, he walks the path, he turn his eyes up to the canopy of trees and inhales the foresty smell... When he’s so relaxed he might fall asleep, she begins.

"Tell me about one of the worst moments of your life."

"My grandmother died. But that was years ago. But I guess it doesn't matter how long it's been, right?" He thinks he's very present and conscious, but his voice comes from far far away.

"Clever lad." She says."Your grandmother died. And what did you do?"

"How'd you mean?"

"Just answer, first thing that comes to your mind. What did you do?"

Turned to Rae, he thinks, but says, “Cried, got close with me dad, relied on me mates, listened to a ton of music -"

"Pick the one that feels the most real. First one that comes to mind."

Finn takes a deep breath and lets go. "Became friends with Rae."

"And what happened?"

"She saved me."

"And what did that teach you?"

"That I have to have her."

"Tell me another bad moment."

"Rae left me." he replied, and wonders at the word choice. He wonders whether Dr. L noticed but he doesn't open his eyes.

"And what did you do?"

"Nothing."

"And what happened?"

"Everything turned to shit."

"And what did that teach you?"

"That I’m a worthless twat."

"Hmm." She makes a sound, he figures she doesn't like to hear him say things like that, but she's the one who asked for the first thing that comes to mind.

"Now," she continues. "Tell me about the moment."

"What moment?"

"You know which one. The big one."

The worst one.

Finn shrugs. He's cool, it’s been years since he gave a shit about all that, so what does he care. "Me mum legged it."

"And what did you do?"

"I run after her, begged her to take me with her. Promised to be better."

"And what happened?"

"Nothing."

"And what did that teach you?"

"That what I want doesn't matter. Nothing matters."

 

She is quiet for a long time, then she tells Finn to open his eyes and sit up. He is amazed to find his eyes are dry, his heart is stone. They look at each other.

"When we're kids, every fresh pain we feel is a trauma. We don’t understand it, so we make rules to make sense of it. If X happened when I did Y, then as long as I never do Y again, I’m safe from X. We make more as we go along, and eventually these are the traits that make up our personalities. Those rules are a very important part of us, they keep us feeling safe. However, we grow up and keep living by them, even when they aren't relevant anymore. Even when the hurt they are keeping us from is gone, and instead, they are keeping us from things we actually want. Do you follow?"

"Think so."

She nods once, as if to say, I knew you would. "At the worst moment of your life, five years old, you made up a rule - What I want doesn't matter. Nothing matters. And you're still living by that rule, Finn. You don't advance your life, because according to the rule, you won't change anything anyway. This rule is so huge, it's so important, that it overpowers all the other ones, such as - I have to have Rae. And it causes the forming of new rules that enhance it – I’m a worthless twat. It's a vicious cycle."

This is all a bit much, many new ideas and his own words thrown back at him. 

"The good news is," She smiles, "That you can break it."

"How?"

"I'll help. it's a - "

"Don't say it's a process, please," he groans. "That means it'll take ages, and I’m fucking tired."

“Alright.” Dr. L thinks for a few seconds, then continues. "Imagine Finn. He's five years old. His mum had just legged it."

Finn chuckles at her use of his word, and how silly it sounds in her posh voice and phrasing. "Next you'll tell me to tell him that I love him and that he's fucking awesome?" he says, ‘cause he remembers Rae telling him about this years ago. Remembers imagining a child-size Rae, and wanting to hug her himself, tell her she's brilliant.

"That is an extremely good idea, maybe we’ll focus on that another time. I would like you to look at five year old Finn, the lad who made the rule that there's no point of doing anything anyway, and thank him."

"You what?"

"Thank him, for protecting you all these years."

This is some fresh bullshit, he thinks, but then he hears his own voice, small and shaking in the silent room. "Thank you for protecting me."

"And what else?"

"Thank you for...” He takes a big shaky breath, “trying to make sure I don't get hurt anymore..."

"What else?"

"I know you only did what you could. And..." and he's crying, "It... was a good rule."

"But?"

"But... I don't need it anymore. I don't wanna live like that anymore, and I..."

"And what?"

"I give it up. I’m giving it up." he's sobbing, face in hands, tears down his cheeks and into the collar of his shirt, and suddenly there's a hand on his arm, and Dr. L. is sitting next to him, handing him a tissue. 

"Now," her voice is low and strong; she's in complete control even as Finn is breaking into pieces."It is very alarming for five year old Finn to hear this. Can you still see him?" He can only nod his head. "Good. Look at him and reassure him. The world is not going to end. Everything will be okay. We promise him, we're still going to protect him. It'll just be different."

"A new rule."

"Yes."

"Yeah."

 

+++

 

He’s got all that in his head while he waits for Rae. He asked if they could talk, and she’d said she’d let him know. 

She doesn’t let him know, though, doesn’t call or anything. The evening rolls around and Finn doesn’t dare leave the house. Chop calls to see if he’s coming for a drink, says Rae will probably be there anyway, along with Chris. But Finn assures him that she won’t, ‘cause she’s coming over for them to talk. Chop sounds skeptical but he says good luck, it’s about time them two sorted this all out. 

It’s gone eleven when there’s a quiet knock at the door. She stands there in her leather jacket, her face pale from the night chill. Finn motions her to come inside but she only shakes her head.

“Feel like taking a bit of a walk with me?” she asks, and Finn goes inside to let his dad know he’s leaving for a bit, and is pulling his jacket on and is almost out the door when his dad reminds him to take his keys as well. Guess even his dad thinks this is going to take hours.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Here's the deal, Finn. I need you to be okay with my life the way it is right now. I'm moving forward and I'm not gonna let you hold me back."_

There’s no debate about where they’re going, they both know the spot so well. In a small playground a few blocks from his house, next to the fenced area where the kids play, there are a couple of wooden picnic tables. It’s fairly secluded at one end by a few old trees, and there’s a single lamppost, washing the small area in yellow light. They’ve spent many nights sitting here and talking, sometimes just the two of them and sometimes with their mates. It’s been a long time, a year maybe, since they had graced this spot with their presence.

Finn takes a seat on the table, props his feet on the bench, and just looks at her. There’s so much to say but he has no clue where to start, and anyway it feels like it’s her show. Rae takes a breath, stretches her hands as far as they can go in her jacket pocket. When she finally speaks, it sounds like an accusation.

“I kinda thought you’d come to the Swan tonight. Chop said he told you we’re going.”

“Well, you said you were coming ‘round.”

“Well, I said maybe.”

He doesn’t have an answer to that, and they fall into silence again.

“Where’s your boyfriend?” He can’t help but ask, as he pulls out a rollie from an inside pocket.

“Went to bed. And we’re not going to talk about him.” She says firmly.

Finn starts the familiar ritual of going through his clothes for a lighter. But he’s forgotten to bring one with him7. He feels like cursing, ‘cause he really needs a cigarette right now. Not just for the nicotine, but for something to do, to hold in his hand, to put in his mouth while he waits for the verdict. While he’s searching, she stands there and watches him coolly. He’s suddenly aware of the fact that he’s done this a million times, and she’s seen him do it a million times. He thinks of all those little moments they’ve shared, the nothing moments. The idle chit-chat, the drunken laughter, sitting on this very bench and singing at top volume because there’s no one about to complain anyway… little moments, the life he’s lived by her side. All that seems to be coming to an end now.

Rae makes a sudden, impatient sound. "Wow.” She says. “Can't believe how hard this is. Okay." She rolls her shoulders, as if preparing for battle and moves to sit next to him on the wooden table, their legs side by side on the bench and neither of them attempting eye contact. “I guess I went to the pub, sorta hoping that you would just turn up, and we'd just hang and be normal. And we wouldn't have to talk about what happened at all."

That's quite a concept. "Can we do that?" 

Rae shakes her head, looking at her shoes. "'Course not. I'm just tired of this fight, Finn."

"Me, too."

She waits a bit, maybe to see if he'll pick up his end of the conversation, but Finn can't think of what else to say except sorry, and he's said that to her in various ways every day for ten weeks. But it's fine, because it's obvious that Rae has given this a lot of thought and has got it all figured out.

"Here's the deal, Finn. I need you to be okay with my life the way it is right now. I'm moving forward and I'm not gonna let you hold me back."

"Christ, Rae, I don't want to hold you back -" he starts protesting, but she holds up a hand. She wasn't finished, apparently. 

"The way you treated me was not okay. I'm not even close to forgiving ya for the shit you said to me. But - _I_ also said some things... I shouldn't have." For the first time that day, her voice is softening. "I regretted saying them right after. Well..." he hears her smiling, "Maybe a couple of days later." And finally they look at each other, and it's not as scary as he imagined. 

"Well, if you were feeling them, I guess I'm glad you said them." he says, lamely. 

"I just reacted... badly. Look, can we... really not discuss it to death? You were a dick, I were a dick, can we call it even and just put this shit behind us?"

Can they? There's something rising inside him that is ringing all the alarms, bucking against this entire direction. He's surprised to find that a part of him does want to talk some more about what went on, about how they’ll move forward from this. At the same time, the rest of him is desperately whispering _\- just go with it, don't question it, don't rock the boat._

Rae turns her body towards his, folding one leg on the wooden surface, so that now she's facing him. She smiles, and he's so helpless against her. "Hey, wankface. That's a good offer, there. If we'd put it all behind us already, we could have been hugging by now." and she smiles, a real smile. Her patented smirk emerges, feels like bloody sunshine on his skin. There's nothing he can do to beat that. He wants the hug more than anything. His body is turning to her automatically, mirroring her pose. But, is this right? Are they really okay now? Rae doesn't wait for him to decide. Her arms slide under his, wrap around his torso, engulfing him with her warmth and smell and that's it, they are hugging and the deal is signed. Rae puts her cheek on his shoulder and signs. "Good," she whispers. "I hate fighting with ya, babes." And Finn can't answer because his throat is blocked. 

He can't deny the relief that's flooding him right now. They’ve done it, they’ve fixed it. Now they can go back to being them. Finn and Rae. Telling secrets and sharing dreams, taking the piss, passing secret messages with fingers on skin, arguing about music, agreeing about music, waiting outside classrooms, walking into shops, kissing cheeks, studying in libraries side by side, phoning in to radio contests, watching TV, driving around town, lying in the grass, screaming in concerts, hugging first thing and last, eating lunches and dinners and junk food and drinking in pubs and feeling ill in the morning, changing clothes behind closed doors, passing the ketchup bottle, flipping through magazines, arguing about which movie to watch, laughing at in jokes, pissing off their friends, sleeping in one bed with two blankets, taking turns being the one who breaks down and the one who stands strong, because that's the deal. 

Everything will go back. To the way it was.

He pushes her gently away. "No."

"No? What?"

"I can't do that. I can't go back to the way it was before and be your mate like that."

Her eyes are huge and dark, her lips quiver. "Why...?" she whispers.

Finn wants to continue and explain but his throat is suddenly dry and closed.

"Why?" She demands.

"You said I had to be okay with all the changes in your life, well, I can't. Rae, I can't be there for you when you're with this guy, there's just no way... I..." He can't do it, how do people ever do this? He's a coward and always had been and two minutes of therapy can't change that.

Rae doesn't wait, she jumps off the table and faces him, all the softness in her eyes from a minute ago dissipates. 

"Chris again?! D'you know, I can't bloody believe this.” Her hands go up to her head, and she pull at the hair at the temples in frustration, releasing a bitter facsimile of the laugh. "You're such a huge fucking hypocrite, Finn. For as long aswe've known each other, you - and everyone else by the way - have gone around, fucking everything that bloody moves, and I’m supposed to, what? Stay a virgin for all eternity? Maybe I should have joined a convent, would that make ya happy?"

"Rae - " he steps down from the bench and stands in front of her, trying to think above her admonitions and the pounding of his racing heart.

"What kind of friend are ya, Finn? Did you ever give this shit to Chloe or Izzy?"

"No, ‘course not - "

"‘Course not, 'cause who cares who they're fucking, right?"

"That's right!"

That brings her to a screeching halt. "That’s _right_?" she repeats, in a dangerous tone.

"Right, Rae, I don't give a toss who Chloe's fucking and what Izzy's doing. I only care about you."

"Why? Why can't I have anything good for myself? Why can’t you let me just -" it comes out of her as a desperate plea.

And it bursts out of him just as desperately."Because!" His breath is laboured, his body is tense. He's probably having a heart attack. "You're _you_ , alright? You're _mine_. You're the one I love.” He takes a step towards her. “I’m in love with ya, Rae! Alright? I don't want anyone else to touch ya, just me."

In the following silence, he feels like he’s coming back from some sort of unconscious state. He knows what he just said to her but he can’t remember actually speaking. When he comes out the other side of that speech, he finds himself standing in a pool of light from the lamp post high above them, staring at a frozen Rae. His fingers are in his hair; he’s holding his head, holding himself together. He didn't have a heart attack buthe’s not ruling out a brain aneurism. Rae's mouth opens. Then closes. She stares at him and is silent. 

Then she takes a step towards him, and slaps an open palm against his chest, making him yelp in pain.

"You are such a shit, Finn!" she cries.

"Ow, Rae, that bloody hurt!" 

"Oh did it, though?" she slaps him again, at the side of the head. "I can't believe you said those things to me. Why are you being so fucking cruel??"

"Cruel? I’m telling you I love ya!

"STOP _LYING_!"

Her cry echoes in the deserted playground and Finn's heart sinks as she takes another step away from him. "D’you think this is funny? Or would you just say anything to fuck up my life?" 

"I would never do anything to hurt ya on propose, Rae. You know that!"

"Do I? I don't even know who you are lately. And now this stupidity. Why are you playing games? Can't you be a grown up and, just, talk to me like a grown up?"

He wishes he had the guts to close the distance between them, grab her and make her listen. She's drifting away and he has no skills to handle a situation like this. He thinks maybe he should just say that she's right; he was just fucking around, just joking, and take it all back. But there's a voice in his head, and it's Dr. L from that morning, sitting next to him as he's crying, her voice low and leveled. _You had a mother and she'd left you. Had a grandmother and she'd died. You had Rae and you couldn't afford to lose one more person you love, so you played it safe with her and lost her anyway. The good news is, she’s not dead or out of reach. Whatever happens next is in your hands._

He makes himself take a step forward, looks up at her sheepishly. "Is it really so bad, that I feel this way?"

"This conversation is insane! I don't know what you're trying to do!"

"Just, to tell the truth for once! I don't want to be miserable anymore, Rae, and when I'm with ya, tha's when I'm happy, and I want that, and... I think you could be happy with me." His voice fades along with his courage, and Rae is shaking her head, then her hands, everything about her says - rejection. Finn's chest is tight, desperation clawing at his insides. He can't let her dismiss this, he has to do something, but has no clue what.

“So you’re life’s shit and suddenly you feel like I’m the answer?”

“It’s not suddenly, Rae, it’s not new. This is how it’s been, always, with me. I loved ya since I’ve known ya – “

“Oh, so you're saying you've loved me all these years.”

“Yeah.”

“Me. All these years, all those girlfriends, but you were in love with _me_.”

Finn nods his head weakly, but can’t look her in the eye. He wants to scream, to cry, to shake the truth into her, to touch her and to have all this go away.

"Fucking insane," she repeats, her eyes shining with angry tears. "Look, if this is you fucking with me, then I don't get it, and I don't get what the last four years has been about. And if this is you being for real... then..." her expressive face goes through half a dozen emotions, then she stomps her foot, "I _don't_ get it and I _don't_ get what the last four years has been about!"

"Can I kiss ya?"

"NO!" She looks at him as if he suggested vomiting on her shoes, and a second later she's walking off, leaving Finn under the yellow light.

"Why can't you believe me?" he cries after her.

Rae stops and turns at the end of the path, her voice carries to him, distant but clear. "Because then I'd have to believe that you lied to me all this time. All this time, Finn! That means that, from the moment we met, every single thing we said or did was a fucking lie."

"But that's not true!" He shakes his head, this he won't accept. "We’ve always loved each other, that was real, you can't tell me it wasn’t real. We love each other!"

"Not like that we don't!"

"Don't we?"

She looks at him for a long minute, her mouth is open but she says nothing. She's too far away and it's too dark and his eyes are too blurry to know the exact expression in her eyes.

Then, she turns again and walks away, and when he starts following, calls her name, she yells over her shoulder, "You better not come after me."

 

+++

 

When he gets home, his dad is still on the sofa, watching telly. Finn throws his weary bones next to him and stares. His dad, who is forever finding humour in Finn’s misery, chuckles. “That was quick. She’s still mad?”

Finn sighs. “Madder, now. We probably won’t see her again in ths life time.”

“Uh-oh… what d’you do?”

Finn exhales a lung full of air. “Told her I’m in love with her, and that she shouldn’t be with any other bloke.”

Gary blinks, a half grin frozen on his face. “I can’t tell if you’re having a laugh right now.”

“How amused do I look, Dad?”

“Wow.” Gary rubs his hand across his mouth. “That is… really?”

Finn has nothing to say. He sits and stares at the flickering screen, feeling the tension building in his temples. His dad lets out a soft whistle. “Didn’t know you felt that way about her, mate.”

“That makes you and her the only two people in Lincolnshire who didn’t.” There’s an unopened can of beer on the table in front of him, and Finn reaches for it, pops open the lid but doesn’t bring it to his lips. He can’t remember feeling this tired.

“I take it it didn’t go so well.”

“She smacked me and run off.”

“Ouch.” The older man adjusted his seat on the sofa, turning his body towards Finn. “Well, give her time, son. That’s a lot to take in. I mean, I’m reeling over here; can’t imagine how she’s feeling.”

“S’ppose.” Finn looks at the can in his hand. He can’t even find the strength to hope.

They watch an entire Vicar of Dibley episode before they speak again. “So, how long have you had these, er, feelings, mate?”

“Dad.”

“Alright, don’t tell me, let me have a guess. It was that camping trip you all went on that summer, wasn’t it? Weren’t enough tents…” he waggles his eyebrows suggestively. Finn almost lets a weak smile creep onto his face. He shakes his head. “Hang on, let me have another go – Oh! I’ve got it. The Leavers Ball, Rae had that green frock on, with the neckline; looked smashing. I remember ya staring, thought you were just ogling her boobs, you know, like a lad.”

“Oh, don’t.”

Gary laughs. Actually laughs at a time like this. “Well, come on, fess up. Since when?”

Finn sighs impatiently. “Since always, Dad. Since I met her.” His voice trails off. “I wish to God I never did.”

“You don’t mean that, Son.”

“Sure I do. I wish Chloe never brought her to the pub and introduced her. My life would’ve been just perfect, if she’d have stayed just a stranger I see around college sometimes.”

Gary sighs, and puts his arm around his brooding son’s shoulders. “Well, if you’d never have met Rae, then who would have made ya laugh so much, and talked about music with ya for hours on end? Who would have got you through college, preparing you for all them exams? And who would have held you up when your Nan died and you were free-falling? D’you know, I will be grateful for that girl to my dying day for turning up in your life when she did.” He squeezed Finn’s shoulder briefly, shakes his head. “That’s just life, lad. You take the bad with the good, and say thank you, may I have some more, please?”

Thoughts try to form in Finn’s head, and get lost in the tangles up there. “I’m so tired, Dad.” He whispers. Gary slaps Finn’s thigh, and gets to his feet, bringing his son with him.

“Come on, I’ll take you upstairs. Things will look better in the morning.”

Fuck they will, thinks Finn.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“What happened?” He asks in alarm. She turns to him at the foot of the stairs, fresh tears appearing and she wipes them angrily away. “What happened is you ruined my life.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks, as always, to the wonderful Madfatty for the beta and priceless feedback.

The next morning, he doesn’t get out of bed. As bone-tired as he was the previous night, he still didn’t get any proper sleep. What little there was left of his night had been filled with torturous thoughts and half-dreams about being passed-over and cast aside, denied and neglected.

After thirty minutes of trying to get his son to get up, Finn’s father takes pity on him and calls the DIY Center, tells them Finn’s ill and won’t be coming in.

 

Gary stands at the door to Finn’s room, dressed and ready to leave for his own work, looks at his boy who is lying in bed with his face in the pillow. “I don’t think you should just give up and sink into depression, son. Life goes on, you know.”

“I know, dad. It can start tomorrow, alright? Today I just want to be miserable and not have to put on a brave face.”

Gary nods in understanding, then points at Finn. “But only today, you hear?”

“Yeah.”

“And maybe call Dr. Levin?”

“I don’t want to talk to Dr. Levin.”

“Well…” the older Nelson hovers a moment more, probably looking for the exact right thing to say. “Anyway, give it a thought. Couldn’t hurt, right?”

Finn says goodbye and turns to the wall.

Couldn’t hurt? Of course it could bloody hurt. How about all the shit they talked about the day before? All the stuff about daring, stepping out of the comfort zone, and changing the bloody rules? He followed her advice, and it blew up in his face.

By half past ten he works himself into a real strop, and he decides that, fuck yeah, he  _will_  call Dr. L, and he’ll give her a piece of his mind. He waits until it’s ten to eleven, when he figures she’s probably between patients, and he calls, angrily punching the numbers on the phone.

He starts on her the second he hears her formal greeting. Tells her how it all got fucked, accusing her of ruining his life with her stupid advice. Pacing around the room, practically shouting into the receiver, “You should be very careful what you say to people in that office. It’s a very dangerous game you’re playing with people’s lives.”

Cool as ever, Dr. L. replies, “I agree, Finn. I take the things we talk about very seriously. Would you like to tell me what happened?”

But Finn doesn’t want to calm down. “Well, I told Rae how I feel, didn’t I? And she slapped me and walked off!” he spits the words at her. “I did what you said and all I got was a  _fuck you, Finn_. So what do you have to say to that, huh?”

"I’m very proud of you, Finn. That is amazing. Congratulations".

Finn stares at his bedroom wall. “Did ya hear what I said?” He leans into the receiver, and even though she can’t see him, he emphasizes his words with his face and body and voice, to get it through her head. “I did what you said, I tried to rewrite the rules, or, whatever, I don’t know… and now d’you know what happened? Exactly what I was afraid of. I lost  _everything_ , I… lost everything.” All of a sudden all his fighting spirit leaves him and he throws his body on his old and tattered armchair. He’s staring at the carpet, letting the feeling of utter defeat wash over him. “You said I could fix it. You said if I did something that scares me, if I told her, she would… that it’d be good. I’d change that fucking rule and I’d be better and my life would be just bloody perfect.”

He doesn’t have to be in the same room as her to know the look that is on her face. She says, “Finn, you didn’t do this for Rae, for how she’d react. No one could predict that, that belongs to her. You’re changing the rules for yourself. And yes, I do think you were very brave last night, and eventually you will see how this is all improving your life.”

He is silent, feeling a bit embarrassed. She’s right, of course. He did know that, deep down. It just feels better to be angry than to be so bloody sad all the time. However, having a tantrum on the phone to your therapist in the five minutes she has between actual appointments is not a very mature way to handle things. If his Nan could see him now, she’d say he was acting like a petulant child. Finn breathes deeply, tries to pick himself up, to remember that he is  _not_  a child, not five years old with no power over his own life. Whatever happens next is in his hands. But what does he do next?

"Anyway, looks like I lost her, for good this time.” His head falls backwards and thumps against the hard wooden back of the armchair, and there’s a part of him that welcomes the uncomfortable feeling in his neck. “She didn’t even believe me that I was being sincere. Guess I can’t blame her."

"Have you ever given her a reason to doubt you? A reason to believe that when you say you love her, you’re being insincere?"

Finn shakes his head, and he knows. It’s Rae; it’s  _her_  stuff, not his. “She doesn’t believe anyone loves her, anyway. Let alone wants her, wants to be with her. She’s gonna need a long time to process this. Like, years. Jesus.” His arm goes up to cradle his head. “What if it takes years, actual  _years_?”

“Well, for now, let’s try to take it one day at a time. We see each other Monday morning; let’s see what happens by then, and we’ll discuss what to do about it in more depth.”

Finn exhales. “Yeah. Thanks.”

“Are you feeling a little better?”

“Guess so, yeah. See ya Monday. I’ll try to hold it together till then.” He jokes, and he thinks maybe he can hear Dr. L. chuckling on the other end of the phone. He probably imagined it.

He goes downstairs; he’s tired but even more than that, he’s hungry and in need of tea. He makes tea and toast, spreading jam and eating while staring out the kitchen window, his mind is racing with too many thoughts.

What a mess he’s made of his life. He seriously needs to get a grip. After today, he tells himself. He’ll take the day to obsess about this humiliating defeat, and he’ll start working on getting that grip first thing tomorrow.

Cup of tea in hand, he climbs up the stairs to his room. Presses play on whatever CD is in the player at the moment, he recognizes the first track from “In a Bar, Under the Sea”, he quickly chooses track 14. He’s not sure what it is about this song that always makes him think of her, but he can’t stop listening to it lately.

He stands on his bed in his bare feet, leans on the windowsill and lights up a cigarette, moving the cheap lighter around and around between his fingers. A gift from Rae, back when things were simple, except that is a lie. He wonders what she’s doing right now. Is she thinking about what happened between them at all? Well, she  _is_  visiting home with her  _boyfriend_ , so maybe not so much. He tries to remember everything she’d said last night, every reaction on her face, but all the details have faded in the night, absorbed into the general REJECTIONESS of it all. Doesn’t seem like she was open to the idea of being with him, or seeing him in a romantic way, or anything. -  _Can I kiss ya? - NO!_

_“…She’s scratching on my back ‘if this boy believes me’… She leaves me, deceives me…”_ he hears himself singing it in the quiet room. Maybe that’s why he always thinks of it as  _Rae’s song_. All that painting on backs and careless leaving.

And then, for the first time in years, he allows his mind to go where it wants to go; he thinks about his mum.

He can’t actually remember much of that parting scene, now that he really tries. All that’s left is a sort of general feeling of wretchedness and chaos. He remembers crying, his throat actually burning. Remembers holding her leg when she’s at the door, remembers the texture of her jeans. She was crying, so maybe leaving was actually hard for her. Just, not as hard as staying.

The cigarette end goes out the window, and he lights a new one. The CD starts again from track one.  _“I don’t mind whatever happens,”_  screeches in his ears. Fuck. Isn’t that exactly what he always tells himself? Used to, anyway. Told himself he’s passed all this and he doesn’t give a toss. He’d interpreted this memory of her leaving as many things – that he wasn’t enough for her, not what she wanted, not a good enough boy for her. And later, when he grew up some – looking at old photos where she looks like she loves him – that she’s just a hypocritical bitch, not even worthy of knowing him and his dad. But he never really looked at the situation with the eye of a grown up before.

She couldn’t handle being a mum so she’d legged it, and he’s not okay with that and never will be. He thinks that if you have kids, you can’t afford the luxury of not dealing with them. You made them, you do right by them. On the other hand, he has no clue what it means to be a mum, does he? She was so young herself and maybe she just couldn’t do it.

Someone looking at Finn’s own story, his struggle, all the Rae drama, might say – what’s this fellow’s problem, anyway? Why doesn’t he just man up and do it? They wouldn’t understand all the ties that bind him. That what is so easy for them is impossible for him. And he thinks it’s the same with his mum; he doesn’t know what she was going through. Maybe he shouldn’t judge her without knowing. Maybe he should… find out.

You could knock him down with a feather when he realises that this is something he wants, may have wanted for years; to know.

He’s always wanted things, he just never learned to ask for them, ‘cause what was the point when he wouldn’t get them anyway. Some things that he wanted he got for free – his dad and nan’s love was always freely given, no demands or expectations of him to be something other than himself. His mates, Archie especially, were there for him always, accepting all his moods and bullshit. Rae gave him the same thing, except that wasn’t all he’d wanted from her, but he’d never known how to ask her for all the things he’d wanted. Well, last night he’d asked.

He steps off of the bed and crawls under the blanket. He can barely keep his eyes open now, but he’s not done thinking. Last night, he did his part, and now it’s out of his hands. There’s a relief in that. Not a small one. In that hazy space between wakefulness and sleep, Rae’s face floats in the eye of his mind. The way she’d looked last night, standing at the edge of the path, that one small pause she’d taken when he’d asked her, “Don’t we?” There is so much hope in that one tiny pause. He sleeps deeply and sweetly.

 

+++

 

He dreams of his mum and him in a supermarket; he’s grown up and they are shopping together and she makes a joke about raunchy vegetables and he scrunches his face at her for being embarrassing. There’s a knocking and it just doesn’t stop, and as much as Finn is trying to hold on to the dream, eventually he can’t ignore the pounding on the door, and he wakes up.

He shuffles downstairs, his heart beating fast from waking up with a start. The house is dark; it must be around six pm, because his dad is not in and outside there is only the faintest hint of remaining sunlight. He’s slept the day away.

He’s still pulling a shirt on when he opens the door, and Rae bursts in, pushing past him aggressively. “Oh, so you are home? Thanks so much for opening the bloody door.”

Confused and sleepy as he is, he doesn’t miss the fact that she’s been crying. Hard. “What happened?” He asks in alarm.

She turns to him at the foot of the stairs, fresh tears appearing and she wipes them angrily away. “What happened is you ruined my life.” She doesn’t wait for him or make sure he’s following her up the stairs; she just makes her way to his room. When she reaches the landing she half turns to him and asks, quite aggressively, “Is your dad home?”

“Don’t think so.”

“Good, ‘cause I have a lot of shouting at ya to do.”

At least this is somewhat familiar territory and even comforting, giving that he thought he’d never see her again. “Just in general, or…?”

“No, I have a theme.”

He follows her inside. The CD had been playing on a loop for hours. “ _Some people go out and buy stuff they’ve seen in books,”_  Berman sings.  _“I don’t need no leather jacket baby, I’m warm when I’m with you_ ”. Finn turns it off.

“What’s going on, why are you crying?”

She manages to hold her face in that pissed-off-at-Finn expression she has perfected over the years for another three seconds, before she breaks and a sob escapes her lips. She bows her head and hides her face in her hands, taking a step backwards to flop on the bed, still crying. Everything inside him tells him to go to her, take his place next to her on the bed; the best friend spot, where it’s his job to offer comfort and support. But what if the thing she needs comfort about is him? He can’t tell anymore if that’s what she needs or if he’s going to be met with outrage. In the back of his mind he can’t stop hearing it -  _C_ _an_ _I_ _kiss ya?_ _-_ _NO!_

But she’s crying and Finn’s heart goes out to her, wants to make it better and protect her, whether she wants him to or not. How can he just stand there? But he just stands there. He bites the skin at the edges of his thumb and worries. Did he really ruin her life? Is what he said, what he wants with her… is it really so tragically bad in her eyes, so  _wrong_  that she’s crying as if someone died? “Rae…” he chokes out. “Please tell me – “

From under her palms she mumbles something, her voice wet and out of breath.

“What? I didn’t… I couldn’t hear ya, Rae, what –“

“Such a scumbag liar.”

It feels like a punch to the gut. “I – I’m sorry, Rae, but you have to know I didn’t think I was lying to ya, just… not… telling ya.” He’s ready to go down on his knees at this point, to plead and explain and beg for mercy, but she shakes her head, still looking at her lap.

“Not… you. Fuck!” she rubs at her cheeks to wipe the tears but more are coming as she cries out, “Me, I’m a scumbag liar!”

"Wha - Wha’d ya mean –"

“Why’d you do it, Finn? Why’d you do this to me? I was doing fine, I was better, I was… doing fine…”

Oh, god, it’s too much. He can feel his own tears choking his throat. Of all the various fears he had about telling her his secret, he never imagined it would hurt her like this. The worst he imagined was her not feeling the same and not being able to stay his friend. He never imagined this kind of pain. If he could, at that moment he would have taken it all back. He never felt more paralyzed, more useless. There’s something he should say to make this right, he knows there must be some words that are appropriate for this moment, but it’s so beyond him. He was not prepared for this, and he’s not prepared for Rae’s head to snap up and for her to look at him with teary, judging eyes and say, “Chris broke up with me. Are you happy now?”

Finn’s heart quickens. He can feel his eyes widen. As usual, he can barely follow the twists and turns of her mind when she’s upset. Chris broke up with her. What does that mean? Why? Did he dump her because of Finn’s confession? That’s fucked up, though. It’s not her fault. What kind of loser breaks up with Rae, anyway? Maybe he should go beat the crap out of him. A punch to that smug grungy head would just make his year. Focus, he tells himself. You can so easily lose track of her emotional rollercoaster and get left behind.

When she reaches into her pocket and takes out a worn-out tissue that has seen better days, he breaks and sits next to her on the bed. He has to fight every instinct not to reach out and touch her. “What happened?” He asks, and maybe that’s all she needs because she starts talking fast, between the occasional sob and sniff. Telling him Chris called her a liar. She came home all upset and he asked what was wrong so she had to tell him, cause he’s her boyfriend, was her boyfriend, fuck, and he said that she can’t be mad at Finn for not telling her for years because she never told him either. They had a big fight and Chris said she lied to him, and to Finn, and to herself. Chris said that he knew as soon as he met Finn that it was all bullshit, that she’s not even a little over him, him being Finn, like she said, and that he cares about her a lot but isn’t about to fight for a girl who’s in love with someone else and she needs to tell him right now if she’s in or what.

During this monologue, Finn is sitting, frozen on the bed, barely breathing. Every word that tumbles out of her mouth raises a dozen feelings and a million questions, but he doesn’t dare interrupt her, doesn’t want her to stop talking. He wants to hear every word, every single thing she has to say, every angle of this topic. But then she stops at this very critical cliffhanger - and that’s what if feels like for Finn; like he is hanging off a cliff. With his fingernails maybe. He has to clear his throat twice before he can ask, “And did you tell him… what d’you tell him?”

And because she still doesn’t speak and won’t look at him, Finn takes a breath and attempts one of the bravest things he’s ever done in his life – he reaches for her hand.

But she doesn’t let him touch her, she springs off the bed and walks to the door, then she stops in the middle of the room, half turned away from him. Finn takes a guess and his voice shakes, “That you’re in and we’re just friends?”

Rae takes a breath, then another, then lifts her eyes to look at him, her gaze steady and completely serious. “No. Because I’m done lying.”

It’s a good thing he’s sitting down, because the room might be spinning. Could be he hasn’t taken a breath in ten minutes. Or four years. And words, he has none. Did she mean… but what did she mean? As the silence stretches between them, he can see the doubt creeping into Rae’s eyes, her resolve faltering. He should do something, right? She bites on her fingernail and her voice is not as stable as before when she asks, “So what do you say about that?”

“I… I don’t understand what you’re saying, if I’m honest.”

Rae sighs and nods. “Yeah, okay, you’re right, can’t do this without actually… doing this.” She wipes her wet cheeks. In her expressive face there is a struggle to compose herself, and Finn suddenly feels the power shifting a little his way. For the first time since all this started, Rae seems just as fragile and unsure as he is, as if she herself is hanging from a cliff.

“When I first met ya… god. I was all about ya. That summer… you were all I thought about and wanted and fantasized about… seriously, my diary was pages and pages of you.” She chances a glance up at him, then quickly looks away from the shocked expression she’s bound to have found there. “Then the summer ended, and… everything just…” She waves her hands about. Clearly nervous, she tucks her hair behind her ears, then brings it back to the front again. “When we became mate… that was so important to me, Finn. You were. Important. So I knew I… had to get over that crush, because, well obviously it wasn’t ever going to happen with you, and I couldn’t have all those feelings and still be your friend. And I didn’t want more bullshit to put in my bag of bullshit, you know? I wanted to be honest with you, always. Ironic, right?” Rae’s mouth contorts in a bitter smile and Finn knows that’s for him, because he hasn’t been honest and he never realized you can’t be in love with someone and still be their friend.

“So anyway,” Rae walks around, then ends up leaning on her hands against the closed door, and when her eyes are not downcast, they look everywhere but at him. “I pushed it all down, and I… it was better for us that I did, I thought. Better for everyone, really. All involved…” she trails off, a faraway look in her eyes, and Finn has a brief moment to wonder who else was involved in her decision all those years ago. Then she shakes her head, hair flying in a beautiful wave. “I thought I had it sorted. Maybe I didn’t, I dunno. Since Chris seems to think… fuck.” She shakes her bowed head. “And he’s right, what can I say, of course he’s right, ‘cause when you told me… that thing you told me, well I was just a total wreck, and when my boyfriend, who means so much to me, who I want so much to have in my life, looks me in the eyes and tells me to choose him over you –“, she spreads her arms, “well, I couldn’t, could I? So there. That’s the truth about me and you.”

The truth. That truth is huge, too big to even begin to understand at this moment. A huge fucking ball of strings he doesn’t even know where to start to unravel. His mind boggles from all the ways in which they‘ve missed each other, all the time they wasted. The truth about Rae and him is that they could have kept going on like that for years. Each looking at the other one, paralyzed with all the things they wanted and didn’t think they could have. And one day one of them would’ve been best man at the other’s wedding, and still wouldn’t have been able to say  _don’t marry her, be with me_ , or  _say the word and I’m leaving this woman at the altar._  And they would have lived their lives, and they would have raised children that they’d had with other people. And they probably would have gotten over each other at some point, or just drifted apart. But from where he’s sitting now, Finn can’t even fathom what it’ll feel like not to be in love with her. This could have been them, but it won’t be. And, well, he’s the one who made that happen. And he wasn’t finished.

He walks up to her. The room should look huge to him, impossible to cross, full of all his demons. He should be frozen by all his usual fears, aware of all the scary possibilities. But he isn’t. He doesn’t know what he’ll do when he reaches the door where she stands, he has no plan, just a vague idea that involves touching. But first, there’s something bothering him and he has to check. So as he stands in front of Rae’s worried face, he reaches to gently pull her arm from behind her back, ignoring her slight flinch at his touch. He looks at her and then at her palm, where, during her monologue, the fingernails have dug into the soft skin, leaving angry marks. Gingerly, Finn brushes it open, his fingers caressing the soft center.

“I had a theory,” her voice is a whisper that floats between them as they stand there, both looking at her palm in his, and he has a sense of how close they are, how intimate this is. “that at this point, my life would turn into a crappy American high school movie, and you’d tell me it was all a joke, and you did this as a bet. Four years ago. You know, fittest lad in school is dared by his mates to make the ugliest girl in school fall in love with him…“, her voice falters as Finn shakes his head at her ugly words. When he lifts his eyes to hers, his heart speeds up at the blush that is spreading across her tear-stained cheeks. “A-and it’s all just a joke…” she whispers.

“It’s not a joke.”

Her eyes are wide with fear and worry.

“M-Maybe this is a mistake,” she stammers as his hand slides up the soft skin of her arm.

“Nope.”

“But neither of us knows what to do next, so maybe…”

“Excuse me, but I know exactly what -” he doesn’t bother with the end of that sentence, just leans in, and doesn’t kiss her cheek, not her forehead. As he slides his lips across Rae’s, her breath is released in a shuddering tumble, and he tries to steady himself against the bolt of electricity that shoots through his body at this first touch. It’s a strange feeling, trying to keep control of himself – not to give in to the desire to go deeper, too much too fast – while at the same time to have no control what so ever, to be powerless and fumbling through this surge of feeling, physical or emotional, he can’t even tell them apart. He’s scared that if she knew how much he wants this, how much WANT there is inside him right now, she’ll run off screaming. But how can he stop himself from deepening the kiss, from sliding his arm around her waist, from cradling her skull to angle their heads and get more, and more, and more… Everything he touches is soft and yielding, her mouth so sweet against his. A sound escapes him and he almost freezes, worried she’ll know that he’s dying in her arms and stop this, but all she does is let a moan of her own out, breathing through her nose. It’s as if she was holding her breath as well, and that thought thrills him, loosens the tension he’s holding; makes him take another step towards her, to press his body to hers so he can feel everything, touch everything. He feels greedy and wild, and has to remind himself that this is just the first kiss, but he can’t help himself. He’s making amends for not kissing her in the closet, and any other kiss they’d missed since then, and all the  _I love you_ ’s he’d never said to her, he’ll make up for them now.

Rae’s back presses hard against the door and she makes another tiny throaty sound that sends his heart racing, sends a wave of heat to his belly. Isn’t it insane, what they’re doing? What he’s doing, allowed to do; with Rae? Their tongues are pushing against each other’s, and his hand has traveled up her thigh and is  _this_  close to the hem of her skirt. With Rae! God, his entire body feels like liquid fire or something, or… bloody hell, who knows. Who cares?

When he feels her pulling back he panics, his hold on her becomes a little desperate. If they stop now… he doesn’t know what’s about to happen next and that scares him. As far as Finn is concerned, there is only one way this should end, and all the talking may be postponed to the morning after. But when she pulls back from the kiss, he tears his lips away, and they hold each other, gasping.

“I - “ Rae starts, but her voice is raw and she doesn’t even manage that one syllable. Their faces are inches apart, and he just looks at her, awaiting further instructions, as they both take shallow, quick breaths. He feels like swearing, because his body is buzzing and his mind is all fogged up with her; her taste and her smell and her entire Rae-ness. Still, she has to be okay with everything, or it’s no good. He can’t stop his thumb from caressing her cheek, as his eyes search hers, “D’you want to stop?” he whispers, “Because we can - oh, thank god.” She pulls him back in and he doesn’t waste a second putting his hands all over her. Her fingers are in his hair, slightly pulling and making goose-pimples sprout all over his body. She leans her upper body further against the door, which allows her to press her thigh against him. “Fuck…” he breathes, and presses his lips to her neck. His fingers are making their way up her skirt, with a very clear objective.

"God, Finn, I…" She moans, as his fingers reach the waistband of her tights.

"Finn?" The shout comes from downstairs.

They freeze.

"Are you home, son?" Heavy footsteps are ascending the stairs, coming closer.

"Oh, shhhhiiit…" Finn moans. He can’t look at her and they haven’t moved, while his dad is reaching the other side of the very door they’re violating at the moment. "Yeah, I am. Go away!"

There’s a stern knock at the door. Finn lifts his head from the sweet crook of her neck. Rae’s eyes are very big. Finn stares at the beauty mark on her cheek.

"Are you in there?"

"Yeah, would you piss off?"

"Now, don’t give me that, you know you worry me, mate. You sound funny. Are you all right?"

"Dad, Jesus, I’m fine, can you just -"

"Don’t tell me you’ve spent the entire day moaning about your broken heart? Did you even come up for air?"

"Fuck sake, I’m fine, I’m…" He sighs, not even daring to look at her reaction. "Rae’s here."

There’s silence. Crickets are chirping.

"Oh! H-hiya Rae!"

"…Hiya Mr. Nelson… How’ve you been?"

"Can’t complain, can’t complain… Well… best be going. Give you kids some time to… talk."

"Right. Bye dad."

"I’ve got my phone if you need any-"

"Bye dad!"

"Right," They can still sort of hear Gary mumbling as he thunders loudly down the stairs.

Can people die, actually die, from embarrassment? He still can’t look at her, not even when she makes a tiny mysterious sound, and her body moves against his with infinitesimal movements, to untangle their limbs. As she slowly detaches various body parts from his, Finn mourns the loss of her leg against his hard-on and wonders what on earth is the right thing to do right now. Start removing himself from her as well, he grumbles inwardly.

His attempts to pull his fingers from under her skirt causes the waistband of her tights to snap against her skin. “Oh, shit, sorry, mate.” comes out, and Rae makes this snorting sound, then an out-of-breath chuckle, and then she’s straight out laughing, biting her lower lip uselessly. Finn starts laughing with her, and they stand by the door and laugh uncontrollably, still holding on to each other, his hand still under her skirt and her hand still on his waist, with tears streaming down their cheeks.

“Poor Gary!” Rae chokes out, and they have to hold each other up with the renewed burst of glee.

Finn’s heart feels light and huge and overflowing. Feels like there’s nothing in the universe he can’t take on right now. Because he held Rae Earl in his arms and kissed her, and nothing bad happened. And then they laughed together, same as always, because they are still good mates. The best.

He loses nothing.

 

_TBC_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from the album "In a Bar, Under the Sea" by dEUS.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _She's already at the door of his house, undoing the locks and pulling it open. How is she so fast? He barely has time to understand what's happening, to clear his mind, in the absolute terror that had taken over him. He tries to grab her arm at the door but she pulls back. "Just leave it, Finn. I'll talk to you later.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks, as always, to the wonderful Madfatty for the beta and priceless feedback.

As their laughter trickles into giggles and then turns into shy smiles, Finn is aware of the heat radiating off his palm. It’s still resting on Rae’s hip, the only part of them still touching. He should take his hand away, but he doesn’t want to. Eventually, Rae gestures with a nod of her head for him to take a step back, and Finn, determined not to panic, allows her space to side step him and walk further into the room.

She stands for a second, looking around the room at the various seating choices. Finn realizes that, whatever his plans were, they were going to do the talking part first. He tells his body to calm down and let it go. There’s nothing he’s not prepared to do in order to make Rae comfortable with him and the new situation, and, having had years of practice hiding his more lusty feelings and urges around her, he is more than capable of backing the hell off.

She turns away from the bed, so huge and dominant all of a sudden in his cluttered room. She doesn’t quite meet his eyes when she says, “Let’s go downstairs.”

He follows her out the room and down the stairs, switching on lights as he goes and offering tea. Such a proper host, him. Rae says no to tea, and he joins her on the sofa in the living room. Noticing she took the furthest possible corner of the sofa to sit, he takes the other side and waits.

“I hope this is okay,” she sends a shy smile his way. “I just think we have a lot to talk about. Okay?”

“‘Course.”

“Can I be honest with ya?”

“Thought that’s what we’ve been doing.”

“Yeah, well,” her eyes go from his to a spot just near his shoulder every few seconds, as if she can’t actually look at him after what they did. But he tries not to read too much into that. “I know we had a bit of a moment just now, and if your dad hadn’t interrupted... I don’t know. But... I’m seriously not ready for that. This is all happening way too fast for me.”

Finn wouldn’t call four years fast, but he nods. “I understand.”

But then she doesn’t seem to know what she wants to say to him. She pulls a black and white pillow into her lap as a protective shield. He can actually feel her pulling away, but he’s not panicking. He’s being understanding and giving her time and not panicking. “Rae... I don’t blame you for being confused. It’s bloody confusing. I thought a lot about our last conversation, and I get why you were all... upset. I kept this secret for so long and so hard, I guess I hoped that the moment I let it go, some miracle would happen and everything would fall into place, just like that. I get that you need much more time to, dunno, make sense of it.”

 “So do you, Finn. I mean, what have we been doing all these years? You say it wasn’t a lie, but obviously we weren’t as honest with each other as we’ve always said we were.” She looks at him, really looks. Her eyes scan his face and there’s a slight expression of wonderment on her face. “Seriously, Finn. What is wrong with us?”

Finn takes a breath, leans his arm across the back of the sofa. “Well, apparently, with me it’s fear of abandonment routed in a traumatic loss of a parental figure at a young age. You?”

Rae’s bewildered laugh fills the room and a warm feeling spreads in Finn’s belly. He can’t imagine she’s used to him talking this coherently about, well, anything really. She giggles, “Same.”

Mirroring his pose, she folds her leg and turns towards him, her arm on the back of the sofa. Finn notes that there is no more than a few inches between their fingers. “Yeah, I heard you’re in therapy now. Going well?”

His cheeks feel heated for some reason. “Think so, yeah.”

“What’s your therapist like? He does your head in, right?” she smiles.

“It’s a woman. Dr. L.” He says, but he’s not sure if he wants to bond over this. He used to share everything with Rae, but she wasn’t around when he started seeing Dr. L, so now it doesn’t feel right to bring her in to that place. It’s a place he goes to mostly talk about her, and it feels like it should stay private. His. Eventually he mumbles, “She’s okay, I ‹spose. I mean,” he shakes his head. “She’s great.”

Rae looks at him with soft eyes he can’t understand. “Good.” is all she says, and he’s relieved that she doesn’t ask him what they talk about in their sessions. He looks up at her and her gaze is still soft and he doesn’t know why. She looks... proud, maybe?

“What?” he asks.

“Nothing. I’m really glad. That you went, that you’re working on yourself. Shit,” Rae laughs a little and covers her face with her hands for a second, “that sounded so fucking pretentious, sorry... I didn’t mean it like that. Just... it’s good that you have someone to process all your shit with. Especially things you can’t really say to your best mate...”

“Yeah,” he smiles, because she’s hit the nail right on the head with that one. She’s such a clever person.

“And who knows what a Pandora’s Box of monsters will open in this deviant mind of yours!” she jokes. But then, suddenly, her smile falters and she holds the pillow tighter to her. For a long moment, they say nothing, and Finn has to bite on his own lip to prevent himself from asking what’s wrong. This not pushing shit is hard.

“You know, I really missed ya when we weren’t speaking.” her voice is low and hesitant when she finally speaks. “Proper missed ya. Every day.”

He almost says It was you who weren’t speaking to me, but he can see how that would lead into a dangerous territory. The last thing he wants right now is for her to remember their horrible fight in the kitchen and bring up all the terrible things they’ve said to each other. “Me too.” he says instead, and congratulates himself. When she smiles he rewards himself by inching a bit towards her. “I’ve been missing ya all year. All the time. Even when I were on the phone to ya, I was missing ya.” He glances down. “Basically, I haven’t dealt with you leaving at all well. S’ been a tough year.” His fingers touch the ends of hers for a split second.

Then she takes her hand away and turns her head. Finn’s heart thumps painfully as he watches her stand up. He’s not panicking, but he can’t suppress the feeling that something really bad had just happened. “What?” he asks, brows furrowed.

Rae’s back is to him; she reaches for random items on the shelf next to the television, and doesn’t speak directly to him. “You do realize that... if something happens with us, but then it doesn’t... work... it’s gonna be ten times as harder than that. Like, a billion times harder. If we fuck up, and, let’s face it, the odds are we will - “

“Why? Who says?” he interrupts then regrets it immediately. He did promise to give her time, and he’d meant that, didn’t he? So if she has trepidation about trying this, then, even though it’ll probably kill him and frankly he has no clue as to how he will accomplish this, he should respect that and give her some bloody space.

But Rae ignores the interruption, she moves to the far end of the shelf, looks at photos she’s seen a million times. “What I mean is, when we were fighting, I still wanted to talk to ya everyday. I was so angry at ya, but you’re the one I talk to, you know?”

“I know.”

“It bloody hurt. So much. And that was just...” she waves her hand, turning slightly but doesn’t look at him. “If I ever let myself feel more... God, I can’t even imagine feeling worse. A person could fall into a really dark place.” he voice shakes when she practically whispers, “I could fall into a really dark place. All the way down. And never come up again.” 

He sits on his hands so he doesn’t go to her. “I won’t let ya fall.”

Rae’s shoulder length hair sways in one of those gorgeous arcs he’s getting used to seeing when she shakes her head and turns away from him again. “You can’t make that promise. You don’t know.”

“I know if we love each other -”

“That doesn’t mean we can make it. Who do you know that’s made it? No one. Not our parents, not our friends. Even my bloody therapist is divorced.”

“What about Chop and Iz? They’ve been together for years!”

Rae makes a _'Really?’_ face. “And how many times have they broken up and got back together? And every time they do, it affects the entire gang.”

He can’t take it, he has to get up. Because she’s all over the place, and he doesn’t think she even knows what her point is anymore. “Why are you trying to talk yourself out of this?” he asks, and Rae bypasses him and goes back to the sofa, maintaining a safe distance.

“I’m just trying to see the big picture. I don’t want to go into this blind and fall on my face, Finn, I can’t afford a fall like that.”

They stand in front of each other, and the few feet between them might as well be miles. The queasy feeling in his gut just intensified, because he thinks he knows the real reason she’s running, and it has nothing to do with the well-being of the gang or even her own mental health if things go wrong.

Rae just doesn’t want him. She just doesn’t want to hurt him by saying so.

“So you’re saying it’s not worth it to try.” he whispers, and his voice breaks. “I’m not worth it.”

She holds her hand up, as if to grab his hand, but then she doesn’t complete the gesture. “I know our friendship is worth keeping, we should do whatever we can to -”

“Our  _friendship_ ? Are you having a laugh?” he’s so incredulous that it feels like his head is going to explode. Is she clueless or is she just pretending? “I  _love_ you, Rae! Do you really think we could go back to the way it was before? Our friendship as it is, is torture for me!”

Rae’s face clouds over, her mouth pinched in a dangerous way. “So what is this, an ultimatum? I have to be with you or lose you completely?”

He’s speechless, and suddenly very tired of this entire conversation, where she blindsides him on every turn. She’s better than him at all this talking and manipulating the conversation. And that’s what this feels like; a manipulation.

Finn sits on the sofa, puts his head in his hands in complete defeat. “This is bollocks, Rae. You’re just talking crap and trying to turn this on me when the fact is you’re bricking it.” He takes a big breath, and brings up the option that is much more scary, much more final. “Or maybe you just don’t want me.”

 “Finn...”

 “Do you love him?”

 “Who?” she asks stupidly.

“Chris! Are you in love with him?”

Again, her eyes can’t meet his, and her answer when it comes is less than reassuring. “...I don’t know, it doesn’t matter, does it? Chris is gone, he went back home.”

“But if he didn’t leave... would we even be having this conversation?”

“Finn...” She sighs and sits next to him on the arm of the sofa, and Finn thinks it’s ironically appropriate that she’s taken the higher ground. “It’s not like that.”

His throat is constricting, burning with tears he refuses to shed. “I get it.” he nods, and feels every bit of hope leaving him. Not half an hour ago, he held her in his arms and tasted her skin and made her moan, and now everything is shit again and he doesn’t think that he’s the one who fucked it up this time. Still, he can’t deny what’s right in front of him. “I thought you felt the same as me... sorry. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, Finn, it’s not something you’ve done. I just... can’t...” She huffs, and he sees that she does let her tears fall. “Do this. I’m not that strong.”

The silence in the room is killing him. He is holding his body completely rigid so that he doesn’t shout, or throw something against the wall. How can a person this amazing be full of so much bullshit? She’s not that strong? She’s one of the strongest and fiercest people he’s ever met. But he doesn’t need her placating words, he gets it. She’s decided not to take a chance on him because she doesn’t believe that he’s worth it. It’s been too many years, she knows him too well now to fall in love with all the mess that is him. Finn sneers.

“Guess I should have tried it on with ya four years ago, ay? When your diary was just full of me, right?”

She chuckles bitterly. Her head is bowed and there’s a curtain of hair between them. ”As if I would have believed ya back then. That you could ever like me like that, me being this big blob, you being Finn Nelson, The Fittest Lad in all of -”

“Don’t you fucking say it, Rae!” Maybe she couldn’t see how angry he is. Maybe she couldn’t tell how close to the edge she’d brought him. Either way, her attempt to alleviate the moment with humor makes Finn a little unhinged. He jumps to his feet, fists balled at his sides. “I hate that fucking line. Why does everyone always say that?”

She stares at him. “I’m only saying... do you know how they used to talk about ya? The things girls around college used to say about ya?”

“Yeah, I do, Rae, I’m not deaf. I know how they used to talk about me, just like you know what they said about you.”

“Not exactly the same, is it?” she frowned at him, her eyebrows close and angry. “You can’t compare the mountains of shit people said about me, to _Oh, Finn is so dreamy... What I would do to that fine arse... Oh, Finn Nelson, he’s so fit, he’s the fittest -_ “

“Oh, shut up!” He actually puts his hands on his ears for a second. Can’t stand hearing that word one more time. “What does that even mean, Rae? How does that even help me? Doesn’t make me happier, doesn’t sort out the complete bollocks that is my life. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been walking around with no fucking clue, and being fittest,” he spits the word out of his mouth with such bile that Rae cringes slightly, “whatever the fuck that means, is for shit when you don’t know what you’re doing. And - “ he gestures in her direction, “when the girl you love gets it into her head you’re out of her league. I wish I wasn’t half as fit and got to be with you instead.”

Rae looks shocked, and she’s not responding. Maybe she gets it, he thinks, finally gets how it is for him. Maybe now she’ll... but as she slides off the arm of the sofa to sit there with her head bowed, he can see the wheels in her head turning. He stops pacing suddenly, having had a mind-blowing, revelatory thought. “See, right there, that is why you won’t be with me. Even after I’ve kissed ya, and I... I bared my soul and told ya everything... you doubt what I’m saying.” he shakes his head, “You still can’t believe that I would want you. You.”

She’s playing with the end of the sleeves that she’d pulled down to cover her hands. She looks small and a bit lost, and as ever, when Rae is vulnerable, he turns to mush and his anger leaves him. He sits with a sigh next to her, only this time he doesn’t leave much distance between their bodies on the sofa. His voice is soft when he brushes the hair away from her face. “You know me, better than anyone. You know I love you, Rae. You know it.”

For a short, shiny second, her cheek turns into his caress in the tiniest, sweetest gesture he’s ever felt. “I do know you,” she whispers, “but maybe you’re right. When I try to... think about... us, it’s like I can’t see you. I only see this guy, this _Finn Nelson, Fittest Lad_ guy. This bigger than life mythological creature they were always talking about. He’ll never want me.”

He wants to kiss her but he doesn’t dare, so he moves in for a hug instead. Then he can’t help moving his cheek against hers in a caress. “Fuck that guy, he doesn’t even exist,” he says, his voice almost pleading. He looks in her eyes, touches her cheek. “This loser right here, Rae, he will always want you.”

And again there’s a moment where he thinks he got to her, that his heartfelt words found that scared part in her heart and soothed it. But she shakes her head away from his touch, and her tears flow once more. “You shouldn’t say that about yourself. You’re not a loser. You’re wonderful. I don’t want to make you feel like this, I- I don’t want this on me, Finn.” His eyes follow her desperately as she gets up and grabs her jacket. “This is bad,” she mutters as she puts it on, “We’re bad for each other.”

“Rae, that’s crap! We’re the ones who hold each other up! We take turns to – Rae!”

She’s already at the door of his house, undoing the locks and pulling it open. How is she so fast? He barely has time to understand what’s happening, to clear his mind, in the absolute terror that had taken over him. He tries to grab her arm at the door but she pulls back. “Just leave it, Finn. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Rae, stop it, please stay -”

“I’ve got to go,” she turns and rushes away, muttering. “This is bad... this is so bad.”

He can hardly believe this is happening, as he’s watching her walk down the steps outside of his house. She’s really leaving everything like this. Finn’s heart feels like it’s in a vise.

He watches her retreating back, walking away from everything he’s offering, and he’s paralyzed with pain and disbelief. She turns right at the end of the path, and sends a quick, teary glance his way just before she disappears behind the hedges of the front yard.

And again Finn finds himself standing, abandoned and powerless at the threshold of his home, watching the one he loves the most, the one he needs the most, up and leave him; choose another life over him.

He can imagine the days that will follow, the longing and frustration, and total awkwardness between them now. Oh, God, he knows what she tastes like now, and he knows what she sounds like, and the curve of her hip in his hands... so it’s going to be a billion times worse. So yes, she was right about that.

Suddenly he realizes that she’s still invisible behind the hedge and she should have been emerging from the other side by now but hasn’t. And at first, he’s not sure if he’s hearing anything, but then... then he catches faint words muttered between heavy intakes of breath. Rae is talking to herself. “Stupid, stupid...” she says. “What the hell are you doing?”

And the next moment, she’s coming back, from behind the bushes and up the path and right at him, until she stands in front of him on the step below, breathless and waving her hands. “Forget that,” she says, trying to speak while she gulps air. “Forget all of it, everything I’ve just said.”

“What? - “

“Except the part about needing time, I need loads of time, like, an ocean of time, okay? But that’s okay, right?”

“I - “

“‘Cause, like, of course I want this. I want... all of it, with you, everything. I’m just being stupid and bricking it, like you said. You shouldn’t listen to me when I’m like this, ‹cause you know I’m not good at being good to myself.”

“Rae,” he steps down so he can touch her, but she mirrors his actions and steps back down to the path again, and they’re still not on the same level.

“I just... listen, I know we can’t go back, I know, and fuck, I don’t really want to go back now. And,” she shakes her head, and there’s no stopping the runaway train that is her mind, so he stops trying. “I’m just scared, Finn, you don’t know, I’m just fucking... terrified, I don’t even know what I’m saying to you. And I was walking away, working on my little nervous breakdown and in my head I was already talking to my therapist about you, but, then, I realized...” her words fly away from her so fast she almost chokes and coughs a little, but regains her speed right away. “I’ve spent this past year working on not making decisions out of bloody fear, and what am I doing now? Giving up what I want, what I fucking should have, just because I don’t know how it’ll end.” Maybe he lookes like he’s going to say something, because she raises her hand to halt him and her voice gets stronger, higher, “And, Finn, I don’t love him, I don’t. I wanted to, I really... wanted to, I guess. He was... just right. Just everything I could possibly want in a guy. But...” her eyes manage to find his at last, and there’s a plea in them. Her lips quiver. “Finn.”

He steps down and puts his arms around her. He puts his whole self around her. He hugs Rae to him with everything he’s got, and she wraps herself around him and buries her head in the crook of his neck. The heat of their bodies is mixing and it feels so good, he could cry. If he could possibly tell her how much he loves her in this moment... but he’ll never have these kinds of words.

They stand like this for ages and ages. His arms around her; under her leather jacket; her arms around his middle, holding him tight to her. As always, Rae’s boobs are an undeniable presence between them, but after years of friendship and love, they’ve worked out how to do this. They’re pretty fucking good at this hugging thing. But it never felt this good. Like a promise. Like a pact.

When they break it off, it feels like a mutual decision. She raises her head and looks at him, they smile at each other through tearstained faces. Hands reach out to wipe at cheeks, each other’s and their own, in a blur of watery laughter. “What are we like...” she chuckles, rolling her eyes.

They take a step away from the hug and Finn is aware of the cold night air for the first time since she opened the door to leave him, but stayed.

“Well...” she says, her hand still in his. “Here’s what I’m thinking, okay?”

“Okay,” he repeats, relieved to hear she has a plan.

“I’m gonna go now - don’t pout - and tomorrow, umm...” she clears her throat. “well, me and Chris were actually supposed to meet the gang for lunch tomorrow at noon at the curry place. So maybe... we could go. See how it feels. Let everyone know we’ve, umm, patched things up, like.”

“Yeah, all right.”

“And, just, kinda ease them into the idea of, you know, this.”

Finn scratches his head in annoyance, remembering all the looks and helpful snide comments his friends gave him throughout this passing year. “Yeah, those wankers don’t need easing, trust me.”

She rocks their joined hands a bit, seems embarrassed all of a sudden. “Well, you know. We don’t even know what’s gonna happen yet, so... let’s just... see, okay?”

A sick feeling spreads in his belly. He wills her to look him in the eye. “Rae... Do you not want to tell them?”

Why is she so embarrassed? Yeah, their mates will take the piss, but that’s their prerogative, and it’ll soon blow over. Is she ashamed of her feelings or something? Okay, he wasn’t the greatest catch a girl could get, and maybe he wasn’t _just right_ or _everything she could possibly want in a guy_ , but - Oh, fuck, what if she wants to do a secret relationship type of bollocks? He doesn’t know if he can handle doing that with her, going behind the others’ backs and denying his feelings all over again, and not touching her in public, and not telling people she’s his girlfriend and -

She looks at him. “Do you?”

“What?”

“Want to tell them right away, before we even know if it’s anything - “

“Yes!” The words tumble out of him in his panic, “I bloody well want to tell them. I want to tell fucking everyone. I’d put it in the paper if I could!”

Rae laughs and tilts her head, and he has to ball his fist to keep from pouncing on her. “Like, what would you put in?”

And then Finn gets a small private miracle; as he stares at their joined hands and mumbles, he can hear the words leave his lips, completely perfect. “Local Dickhead Declares Undying Love to Resident Goddess. Lives to Tell the Tale.”

When she says nothing he gets worried, but when he lifts his eyes to hers, she’s swooping in on him and her lips press into his for the craziest, loveliest moment. It’s very brief, though. He doesn’t get a chance to properly experience what it’s like to be kissed by Rae, when she pulls back, blushing and not meeting his eyes. “I’ve got to go.” she says, breathless. Her hands leave his and she’s stepping backwards. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Meet you outside the curry place at quarter past and we’ll go in together. Yeah?”

“Wait!” he grabs her hand again. “But what if... what happens if tomorrow you’ve changed your mind again? What if I let you go home right now, and all you do is think about all the things that can go wrong, and you get cold feet all over again, and tomorrow I’m just standing there like a knob -”

Rae smiles and puts her hand on his arm, her touch immediately calming and arousing at the same time. “Yeah. Okay. I am mental so that is deffo a possibility. But I promise, if that happens... I’ll just call my best friend. And he’ll tell me everything will be fine, and he’ll talk me down from any ledge I might be climbing.” she closes the distance between them one last time and kisses his cheek, best mate style. “‘Cause that’s the deal.”

They smile at each other for several seconds, until she rolls her eyes again, turns and leaves, almost skipping away. Finn laughs and she only waves her hand at him, not turning.

He watches her disappear up the street, her form getting smaller and smaller. She’s mental and he’s a mess; they’re both insecure and they have a complicated history; they both lied to each other for years; she lives in another city; his life is stuck and full of bullshit he’s only now starting to clear up, and truly, she deserves someone better, much better than him. He should be worrying about all those things, but all Finn can do is wonder how long it’ll take before he can call her baby to her face. Or maybe _love. Darling?_ No. _Girl. My girl._ Yeah.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Relax, he tells himself. Less than twenty four hours ago she was in a relationship with this one guy, and now her world has turned and she’s in this whole new thing with you. Just because you’ve been ready to be her boyfriend for the past four billion years, doesn’t mean it’s so easy for her._

He’s outside the curry place, pacing and biting his nails, ten minutes before the time he arranged with Rae. They planned it specifically so that the rest of the group will already be inside when they arrive.

She hadn’t called him last night, and he’d waited. Not that it was much of a problem - there was no way he could sleep after that crazy, roller-coaster of an evening. He sees the fact that she didn’t ask him to talk her down from the ledge as a very positive sign. Still, when he sees her coming down the street, when he sees her smile shyly at him, the wave of relief washing over him is astounding. He realizes how anxious he was for her to be here, to not change her mind, to still like him in the morning.

He has some time to look her over, up and down, until she reaches the restaurant. The denim skirt with the leggings, the Sex Pistols t-shirt clinging to her body, the flattering green corduroy jacket… oh, yeah. That’s his Rae. His gorgeous girl.

"Hiya." She smiles as she approaches, and a faint blush colors her cheeks already. Is she remembering last night, against his bedroom door? Because he is.

"Afternoon," he steps forward, sticks his hands deep in his jacket pockets, to stop himself from grabbing her when he leans in to kiss her cheek.

"How are you today, Finley?"

"All right, girl." Yes! He said it and it felt bloody perfect.

"Yeah? Had a good day?"

And then he can’t help it, because, well, she’s asking, right? “I did. Thought about you all day.” he closes the very small distance that still remains between them, and whispers in her ear, “All night, as well.”

Rae’s cheeks are in full blush now, he watches her lashes flutter when she’s struggling to look him in the eye. “Me… me too.” she whispers. His eyes bore into hers and he can already imagine pretty fucking vividly what it’ll feel like to have her wiggling under him. Inside the pockets of his woolly jacket, his fists are clenching and unclenching. Her breath gets shorter, she licks her lips and she doesn’t stop looking at him with those huge eyes, and Finn starts to calculate how long it’ll take them to get to his house if they take his scooter right now. Like, right now.

"Oh, for fuck sake," she tears her eyes away and laughs, "this is just fucking ridiculous. Let’s just go inside."

He walks behind her, and would be feeling like an adoring puppy, if he didn’t feel so much like a hungry wolf. He pushes it all down, though, and concentrates on what’s ahead; a table full of know-it-all bastards.

Chop is the first to notice them approaching, and greets them with a huge grin. “Hey, hey, what’s this?”

All heads around the table turn to them, and then it’s like everyone’s got something to say. Izzy actually claps her hands and bounces in her seat.

"Cold war over, then?” Archie smiles as he stands to kiss Rae’s cheek. Finn gets a pat on the shoulder and when he and Archie look in each other’s eyes, he can tell that his mate already knows everything there is to know about the past 24 hours. At some point today, Rae told him. Of course she did. He feels a bit uncomfortable for a reason he can’t name, but quickly remembers that he’s the one who wanted to shout this from the rooftops, and in fact is hoping to have the whole table know as soon as possible, so he can’t complain if Rae felt the need to share their huge news with Archie a bit earlier.

At least Archie seems to be pretty chuffed for them. Chloe hugs Rae and grumbles, “I hope you gave him hell first.”

"Oi!” he protests, looking at Chloe and wondering if she knows as well. He decides she doesn’t, she’s just still pissed on Rae’s behalf about the fight. She proves this when she playfully waves a finger at him and warns, "Remember that the BFF never forgets!”

"Yeah, well, I’m her BFF as well, so.” Finn mumbles as they take their seats. Girl has way too many BFFs, anyway.

"Right, get those glasses up – a toast; the gang being back together, just as god intended.” Chop raises a glass and everyone scramble for something to toast with. "It’s not right, you two not speaking to each other,” Chop says above the clinking noises. "We don’t like it when mum and dad are fighting, it’s upsetting little Izzy.” he puts his arm around his girlfriend, mock-protecting her.

"Oh, Chop, shut up!” Rae laughs, but Izzy nods her head vigorously. 

"No, it’s the truth, I was real upset! Don’t do this again, okay?” her red eyebrows meet, and Finn knows she’s dead serious. He smiles at her and promises, and watch her frown turn into the sunniest smile in the known universe.

"Good.” she says, and opens a menu. "Now let’s order, I’m dying for some spicy stuff. Ohhh! Aloo Gobi!”

"Wait a minute, aren’t we waiting for Chris?” Chloe asks. The table freezes and they all look at Rae. She looks mortified, and Finn reaches under the table to grab her hand, just in case she needs the support.

"Well, Chris… he’s not coming.” She takes a breath. "Look, it’s no big deal, right, but Chris left, he went back home last night.”

Despite her attempt to sound casual, Rae seems really upset all of a sudden. Finn frowns. She’s not actually upset about this, is she? Didn’t she say she wasn’t in love with that git? He tries to take his hand back, but she grabs it and holds it against her thigh, and a slew of butterflies spread wings inside Finn’s stomach.

Relax, he tells himself. Less than twenty four hours ago she was in a relationship with this one guy, and now her world has turned and she’s in this whole new thing with you. Just because you’ve been ready to be her boyfriend for the past four billion years, doesn’t mean it’s so easy for her.

Chloe, sitting to Rae’s right, reaches for her other hand. “What’s going on, Rae?” and her eyes flicker to Finn for just a micro-second, as if she can tell that whatever happened is all his fault. She really is quite an amazing friend, Finn thinks.

"Well, we had a fight and… we broke up, actually.”

Chloe and Izzy look absolutely gutted at the news in a way that Finn finds really irritating. Izzy’s hand cover her mouth and she says, “Oh, wow, Rae, I’m so sorry!”

"Yeah, sorry, mate,” Chop adds, shaking his head sadly. "He was a real top bloke, that Chris.”

 _Why don’t you all shut the fuck up?_ Finn wants to tell them. Instead, his eyes find Archie’s across the table, and gets a sympathetic smile from him. Good ol’ Archer. Suddenly Finn is so grateful that Rae had told him, because this torture is not over yet.

Chloe says, “Well, maybe you should call him, talk it over. Tell him you’ve changed your mind. I’m sure he’ll apologize for whatever he did - “

"Yeah, he’ll probably just apologize and it’ll all blow over.” Izzy reassures her, then raise her eyes to Chop. "Shame, we really liked him.”

"Yeah, we did. Top bloke.”

"It’s not something we can fix, and besides, he chucked me, so - "

"He _what?_ ”

"That greasy bastard!”

"Well good riddens to him, then! There was something not right about him, anyway. Right, Chop?”

"Yep, yeah. Something shifty about him. Said it from day one.”

Finn can’t help but laugh at this amazing show of loyalty. They were ready to organize a posse to bring Chris back a moment ago, now they hate him, outraged that he would do this to our Raemundo. As they should. They really were the most amazing group of friends.

Suddenly, Chloe’s burning gaze turn to him. “You’re sitting there very quiet and pleased with yourself, Mr. Nelson.”

"Cause usually he’s such a chatterbox.” Archie says.

"Oh, Arch, you’re here? Almost forgot about you.” she tells him. Chloe knows something’s up, Finn thinks. She doesn’t know what, but she’s getting something, on the BFF frequency maybe. What if she keeps pushing? Chloe can be an intimidating force when she puts her mind to it. Not that he’d mind telling her, telling all of them, but it looks like Rae doesn’t want to.

Luckily, and much to his and Archie’s relief, they don’t get Chloe’s third degree, because a waiter has had enough waiting for them to call him over, and approaches to gently suggest they look at the menus. So for a few hectic moments, it’s all about lovely sounding food and discussions on levels of spiciness one can ingest before dying.

Chop, who has once snorted a line of pepper just to prove some point Finn can’t remember, decides to order the spiciest thing on the manu. When he’s not paying attention, though, Izzy talks to the waiter and changes the order into something less flammable. Chop then spends the entire meal declaring, “They call this spicy? This is nothing! I could eat a bathtub full of this and not need one drink of water!” And Finn laughs to think that they’re already such a married couple. He remembers Rae telling him that Chop and Iz are not an example of a lasting relationship, but he thinks she’s dead wrong. Love is going to win this. He’s sure it will.

They’re all sitting, stuffed and sated, slightly buzzed from beers and rich food and each other’s company, when Rae suddenly speaks up.

"There’s one other thing, actually”, she says sheepishly. Her eyes find Chloe’s to her right. "Chlo, d’you remember that night we went to that place with the mirrors, and we made this, like, pact?”

"’Course I do, babes.” Chloe takes a swig from her bottle, unfazed. "The Fun House Pact of 1996.”

Finn knows he’s wearing a confused expression, and he notice all the others looking the same way.

"What’s this pact, ay?” Asks Chop.

"Yeah, what’s this pact?” Asks Izzy, affronted. "Why wasn’t I included in this pact?”

"It was not for you, Iz.” Chloe assures her, which makes Izzy’s face grow even longer. "Rae and me promised each other on a blood oath – "

"Well, we didn’t really draw blood or nothing, that’s gross – "

"Yeah, we didn’t, we just called it a blood oath –"

Chop’s glass hits the table. “What’s the oath, you silly bints?”

They are all impatient, but Finn thinks he’s the most confused of the lot. What is all this leading to?

"Well, it was after that first summer we all met, you know? And let me tell you, there was a _lot_ of backstage drama.” Thriving on the full attention of the entire gang, Chloe really gets into the storyteller’s role. “We didn’t want to fight like that again, Rae and me, so we promised each other, that no matter what, neither one of us will get off with someone from the gang.”

There’s a silence around the table. The butterflies in Finn’s belly flap their wings. It’s happening. It’s really about to happen. He’s trying so hard to hide a grin, but it’s like something is pulling at the sides of his face and crinkling his eyes.

"So, wait a mo,” Chop is sitting up, "Getting off with us was at some point a possibility?”

"Not with you, Chop, chill out, we knew you were for Izzy.” The girls all smile at each other, and Izzy is appeased.

“ _Yeah_ he was.” Izzy’s smiles her huge smile and tucks herself under Chop’s arm.

“ _Yeah_ I was.” he confirms with a smile to rivals hers.

Chloe goes back to the story. “And this was before we knew Archie’s gay.”

"Rae knew I was gay,” he points out. Chloe thinks a second, ponders this.

"Oh, yeah…” she says, a faraway look in her eyes, trying to remember a drunken conversation that took place while bumping into mirrors and giggling at a crappy Fun Fair, years ago. "So I guess…” her eyes clear and she shrugs at Rae. "It was just about Finn, then?”

"Yep.” Rae confirms. Their eyes are locked in some silent communication, and a tiny tiny smile begins to creep to the corners of Chloe’s mouth. By now Rae’s blushing and biting her lip, and Finn is not doing much better himself, knowing what’s coming. Suddenly Chloe jumps out of her seat and leaps into Rae’s lap, screaming "OH MY GOD You did it, you randy little tart! I can’t believe you, sitting here all - Oh! Wait a mo, I remember - you are going to be my slave for a whole year!”

"Yes, I know the penalty!”

"You have no idea!; you’re gonna buy all my drinks, and I’m gonna make you go shopping with me and watch me try on clothes and rate them according to hotness, and then we’ll go to that funky record shop you like, with the snobbish twat salesman, and I’m gonna make you go up to him and order Spice Girls and East 17 and the Backstreet Boys Boxset, and….!”

"Well, the jokes on you, ‘cause I’m not even going to be here, am I? Are you gonna come to London to lord it over me? No, I don’t think so.” Rae’s fingers find Chloe’s ticklish side and she squeals and tries to get off her, while laughing hysterically.

"What, go all the way to London to make you my bitch, Rae? Ah, yeah, I think I will, though!” Chloe declares through her laughter, escaping Rae’s tickling fingers.

"Whatever, Chlo, the millennium bug will get us all in a bit anyway!” Rae howls back, to which Izzy responds with a frightened "Oh, don’t say that!”, and the volume at the table is rising to incredibly inappropriate levels, as everyone take in the news.

"Wait, but – " Chop is still confused, "So what does this mean?”

Archie looks at Finn with a face full of such shiny pride. “Our little Finley finally became a man.” He laughs, slapping Finn’s thigh.

Finn’s not cool and he can’t pretend to sit there and watch the noisy scene through his lashes while rolling a cigarette and looking for a lighter. He can feel Rae’s heat against him, her thigh that was pressed against his the entire meal. He reaches for her hand under the table and their fingers intertwine and that thing, that crazy thing that is pulling the corners of his lips is now pushing at his heart, filling it with something; laughter, joy, gratitude, hope, until it is about to spill over from the craziness of it all.

"Oi, what’re you smiling about, dickhead?” She asks him, and Finn brings their joined fingers to his lips. She blushes like crazy and squirms as the PDA makes the table explode. But she better get used to it because he is allowed to do that now and he plans on making up for lost time. Leaning in, he whispers in her ear, "Hey, Rae, wanna come over to mine and listen to some records and talk about our hopes and dreams?”

Her eyes are only half amused as she looks back at him. Maybe he’s rushing again, pushing too hard? They’ve only just dropped this bomb on everyone, and –

She shrugs, “I guess we did all the things we came here to do?” she ponders. They look at each other one more second before they both get up, chairs scraping, and announce that they have to go. Nothing their friends say or sneer at them can change their minds.

They make it to the door when Finn suddenly turns and jogs back to the table. With an apologetic smile, he reaches over to grab his keys. He’s not losing stuff anymore.

+++

On Monday, he goes to see Dr. L, and sits on the white fluffy couch, and grins. She smiles back at him, and he smiles at her, and he keeps smiling.

After a while she shakes her head, still smiling, and asks, “What would you like to talk about?”

Finn takes a big breath, and makes himself comfortable in the chair. “My mother.”

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank you all for being absolutely wonderful and supportive readers. 
> 
> This entire fic, from the first moment where it was just an idea that came to me one morning - what if he never told her? - through writing it and going way too far with the angst, then pulling back (oh, yes, what you’ve read was the cheery version ;) ), through trying to meet my own dead-line, but failing, but still being here to finish it anyway… the whole thing was very important to me, and got me through a very difficult time in my life. I can’t thank you enough, fandom, for virtually holding my hand through these last few months.
> 
> A huge-ass thank you – again – to madfatty, Queen of the Semicolon! She had her work cut out for her, and she was amazing – corrected my “I learned English from television” spelling, gave suggestions and pointed up problematic places, gave amazing notes and encouraging feedback that was extremely motivating, and read every chapter several times, often in the middle of the night, so that this would be the best No Alarms & No Surprises it can be. Oh, and she never gave up on the semicolons, even though I’d reject them more often than not :)
> 
> Another big thank you, to my rl friend Ofra, who told me to stop ruining my own story by going so dark and moody and angsty. And she was right, and this initial edit was invaluable to me. Thank you, babes!
> 
> See you all in other stories.

**Author's Note:**

> Story title from "No Surprises" by Radiohead


End file.
